Ordinary People

The Antidote; The Drug

2011-12-28T15:30:00.000-05:00

I had it all fucked up.
I forgot love was supposed to be the antidote and not the drug
Wasn't supposed to have me strung out, making bad decisions just to get another hit.
Shit.
And who was I to think I could inhale until the room spun
I mean fuck him til we both numb
I mean suck him til he's all done

You were my playful poison
Toxic words permeating my blood stream til I needed them to breathe
Each time I'd try to quit you'd force a stronger dose
Often mixing the words with the injections - and these I craved the most.
I sigh out a lethargic "what is this I'm feeling" while you pump me full of measured deception
"It's love, baby" and you push deep until I forget this is only your intended perception
And you bury that knowledge with a stroke that's been practiced to perfection

Every time I see you I'm hoping you fill me up
And you, my supplier, gave me just enough love, I mean, just enough drug
Just enough you to make me think there would always be an us
Strung out with a perfect smile...invisible track marks - no needles necessary
Was supposed to be recreational but now I'm laced til my heart ended up in a mortuary
But I feel buried alive, not dead inside
Actually praying for the cold to cover my soul so nothing burns with frustration or desire
Because chasing a high that doesn't exist creates an unquenchable fire

But love is supposed to be the antidote, not the drug
I'm not supposed to break out in a cold sweat when I'm missing your hug
And you'll just sit there cool, calm, collected; smug
While I stand in the street losing my voice from screaming at the top of my lungs
But it's more like a whisper because I'm weak from the blow
And I'm trying to find the energy to just say no.

Making it Hard for Me

2011-11-22T15:18:00.001-05:00

You're making it hard for me

My lips are set to say no, and I do
But what was once a yell becomes a whisper and I can't hear my one little word of dismissal over the sound of your persistence.
Still I'm...putting up a resistance.
Ignoring the love, I focus on the anger
I let go of our "before" and I focus on the after
Because my happiness before I learned the truth meant nothing after he made me cry
After beautiful promises made way to ugly lies
...keep telling myself to "hold on to goodbye"
But my thoughts spin and become jumbled and the only thing that's clear
Is you.
Here.
In my face telling me I'm beautiful and impossible to forget
Kissing whispers in my ears causing a tightening in my chest
My answer remains "no" even if a question wasn't asked of me
Even if a statement was made about how your love was for eternity
"No."
I hold on to the two letters like they could save my life
Like they could be my weapon to destroy any vision I had of being your wife
But my voice is shaking and my eyes can't stay still
And even when I tell you "don't touch me," you will
I tell you to stop but your hand is on my face
And your lips find their place
And my heart falls from grace...

....and you're making it hard for me
I turn away and fight the urge to touch you back
Call the bartender over and order a little ginger and a lot of jack
As I drink I wish it would make the light I see in you fade to black
But it just blurs the lines and loosens my lips
Your hand rests on my thigh and with every sip, I drip
You plead with me to ignore reason and logic and follow my heart
"Don't let bullshit like this tear us apart"
Right.
The bartender visits a few more times before the end of the night
I stand up to leave but you're holding on to me tight
Walk me over to the back away from the crowd and the loud
Kiss me slowly like that was allowed.
Like I gave you permission to grab my waist
To consume my energy like it was candy to taste
And how dare my eyes be closed and my body limp
And why is it all I can feel now is a throb, and a drip...
And of course....
You.
Here.
Making it hard for me..

I feel the strength in your conviction pressed up against my dress
"N...Yes"
I mean your tongue is on my neck and your hand is on my breast
"Yes."
I mean my leg is wrapping around your waist, begging for what's next
"Yes."
I mean you grab my thigh pushing me against the wall giving me more and taking no less
"Yes."
I mean I lost the crowd and if you wanted to take it now I'd give in to this mess
"Yes."
I mean I want you to tap into that anger from all the afters and fuck me until I release this stress
"Yes."
I mean you're telling me you love me, I'm you're only and I'm the best
"Yes."
Because there is no rest
"Yes"
"It's real baby, you don't have to question or guess"
"Yes"

Now I'm just a warm puddle of submission
Trying to forget to remember any of your omissions
I want to stay but I need to leave
I reach down and feel how you're making it hard...for...me

His Version of L.O.V.E.

2011-09-08T17:06:00.002-04:00

Let's Offer Varying Emotions...

I'll cry and you can laugh
I'll give you all and you can give me half
When you walk, I'll run, and when I walk, you'll stand
You be the rock star, I'll be the fan.
Say something that makes the crowd adore you
Then tell me how I'm the only one for you

Let Others Verify Everything...

Tomorrow I'll publicize my dismay; keep my followers fed
You can ignore my naked rants and privately text me instead
Privately sex me; give me head
Make it the best I've ever had so the craving has no end
I'll give you everything right back
Suck you slow til you fade to black

Let Our Vibrations Echo...

Your energy bounces off mine; we switch our purpose
Exchange lust for love until the energy is nervous
Unstable, untame; unbridled, unnamed
Confusing art with chaos like they're one and the same
My storm and your calm collide and my body tenses as I brace for the scream
But you cover my mouth to keep all that energy inside of me

Lest Our Vision Erase...

You paint the picture of our "love" every day
But it's funny because, I don't remember falling the same way
Actions always fall short of words unless the noun is 'passion'
I inspire you to rise, but never shine past your arrival at satisfaction
I beg you to let me go; you beg me to let you stay
Your pull is stronger than my push so we always have it your way..

Lust's Obsession Voids Everything...

And we painstakingly try to make the music match the melody
But no matter what, the rhythm follows no beat and the tune is off key
Still haunted by the possibility of what could be, we lose time
We lose trust, we lose heart, we lose patience; at least I lost mine
Used to pray for happiness, now I just pray not to feel the pain
And if the sun refuses to shine at least protect me from the rain

Just Need A Minute

2011-07-27T11:18:00.002-04:00

Says he just needs a minute
And I gave him over 365 days
Time doesn't seem to be on my side
Or be enough to change his ways
When love entered our collective vocabulary Hope grew new wings
But the cage of broken promises rendered them two useless things
...and we all know why the caged bird sings...

Sign over my head says "work in progress"
And the errors in my early construction are basically harmless
But there's cracks in his foundation he's never bothered to mend
So he threatens to collapse with a change of the wind
...but we're friends.

So I roll up my sleeves and say let's fix it together
He says cool, but gimme a minute 'cause my design could be better
I tell him he's crazy, the design is perfect; one of the most beautiful ever
And if we don't start soon this minute could turn into forever
...but whatever

He's already shut the doors so I can only comment from the exterior
Yell to him but through the concrete my voice sounds inferior
Those locked doors hold me back from his past,
They guard the secrets in his present he thinks I can't look past
He doesn't see the future's coming fast

Said he just needs a minute
But I gave him over 365 days
Time doesn't seem to be on my side
Or be enough to change his ways
After a while I say I'll come back later, and I head for the gate
He says he's ONE SECOND away and pleads with me to wait
...Its been 7 months to the date.

Tho he's let me in the main entrance, I've never seen the master suite
But he says it will be amazing and he can't wait for me to see it
I've adjusted a few mirrors, hung the address on the door
And I've told him I could really be helping a lot more
He just acts like he doesn't hear me; another locked door.

Gave him a minute then an hour then days now its a year
Try to head back but realize we've built a maze in here
Now I'm stuck between fighting for my own escape
Or fighting to help someone I love find a much better fate
Tough choice to make..

I guess I just need a minute

Note: This blog was inspired by Chris Classic's "NeedAMinute" on the mixtape SummerClassic3 which is available for free download here

Follow him @MrChrisClassic
Folow me @NeicyMarie

Brainstorm

2011-06-17T16:30:00.002-04:00

Outside the thunder and lightening fill the sky
The rain bounces against the window and the bottle of wine is empty
I kissed him.
I let my lips give and take the pressure from his while he moved his hands down the curve on my side between my breasts and my hips.
I moaned a little.
Felt my nipples tense with desire and my skin get hot.
I felt the seam of my jeans in between my thighs rub slightly on my now sensitive clit.
I put my hand on his face...a caring embrace
Tried to slow the feeling rising in me.
I pulled away, blushed.
He looked me in my eyes, then at my lips, bit his and re-engaged that kiss
I gave up holding back.
I want what he's craving just as bad if not worse
He moved his hands from my waist down around the curve of my ass and when he found his home, he squeezed.
Again, I moaned.
He continued to squeeze and rub, his kisses went back and forth between continuous and long
To soft and slow, sucking on my bottom lip as he pulled away
Only for a moment...just long enough to look me in my eyes
I sighed.
Felt my hands move down his waist, over his belt, undoing the buckle
Unbuttoning then unzipping his pants...
He kept kissing me until I grabbed the tops of his jeans and pulled them down.
His boxers sat just below his belly button
The indent in his sides were prominent and I let my fingers trace that little valley until I got to the top of the last flimsy piece of material separating me from his glory
I pulled them down, he stepped out of his boxers and his jeans, leaving them in a messy pile under his feet
We moved towards the bed, he's still kissing me, but he's pulled my shirt up over my head, and tossed it in the corner
I push him down, unhook my bra and pull his head towards my nipples, which were now screaming for attention
He takes them into his mouth, his lips enveloping as much as they could, while the broad middle of his tongue applied soft and even pressure to my nipples
I closed my eyes, felt my clit pulsate in excitement.
I pull away, kiss him again, put my knees on the ground and admire his passion
Every vein, the length, the color, the strength.
I was in love with it. I wet my lips and kissed it.
I kissed the tip, licked around the perimeter and kissed it again.
Again I lick my lips, close them slightly and let the pressure of pulling him into my mouth open them just enough
He tenses up and lets out a sound of pleasure
I put my hand around the base and slowly move my mouth over the head
Up and down with soft pressure from my tongue and my lips
He touches my hair and closes his eyes.
My mouth is watering and I take my tongue and wet every inch of his desire
Put the shaft between my lips and slide up and down along the full length of him,
Pausing at the top to suck on the head
He grabs my hair tighter.
He wants it all inside of me.
I comply
Keeping my hands on the base I take whats now slippery and hard and swallow as much as I could.
As I slide him inside my tongue throbs along the veins that are pulsating in my mouth.
Once I've got all of him in me I let let the head bounce up and down against the back of my throat
Opening me up a little more
I reach out with my tongue while hes still fully submerged and I lick the round pockets of flesh that's just past the base
He sighs.
I can't breathe, so I slowly slide up, releasing him, but still stroking him with my hands.
He's grateful for not allowing any interruptions in pleasure.
I let my breasts envelope his base while I play with his head with my hands.
I kiss his stomach, kiss a trail right back down to his need
I take a deep breath and slide him back inside.
He's so excited, his energy is making my midsection throb against my tight jeans
Every time I move I feel little burst of pleasure
Close my eyes so i can feel where he's throbbing and give those areas special attention
I slide him in and out of my mouth, slowly, then a little faster...
I pause at the tip every now and then, play with it while I use my hands to stroke the shaft
After some time he whispers..."I'm about to cum"
My body feels like I'm going to also
I find the rhythm he loves the most
Bounce up and down on my knees so my breasts come up and down against his thigh
And my clit goes up and down against that seam I told you about
And his dick goes up and down inside my mouth
He grabs my head and starts to stroke against my tongue
All the while repeating "I'm about to cum"
I feel the pressure as he fills up inside me
The first warm salty taste and I'm ready
My body explodes as I orgasm simultaneously
And I suck every drop out until he's drained
And I'm tamed.
The storm's over but I'm still raining

Modern Fairytale: Prince Charming

2011-06-06T14:16:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time, in a land only in our minds
There was a prince who was faithful, generous and kind
He had a six foot plus frame and skin kissed by the sun
And though desired by many, he only loved one.
He cherished every moment he had to be with her
Proclaimed his love to everyone, even facebook and twitter!
He bought her flowers on days when he thought she needed a lift
Thoughtful in his gestures, generous with his gifts
His words were bonds and his actions were great
His politeness was evident, even after their first date.
He did not confuse a queen with a peasant or a hoe
And though he only chased money, he put her above his dough
He never smothered her, nor did he leave her floundering with space
He cooked her meals with his own pots, on his own stove in his own place
When she went out her way to return each and every favor
He was grateful for her attention so in her favor, he did savor.
Although a greater lover she would never find in this land,
He was first her best friend, and always her man
When the time came for their opinions to differ from each other
He never called her out her name or forgot that he loved her
He never lied or manipulated; his intentions were true
So she never doubted him when he whispered to her "I love you"
He was impressed with her mind and enamored with her style
He paid attention to the things that would always make her smile
When the time came for them to marry and create children of their own
He was sure to make sure their house STAYED a home
He taught strength through courage and was morally sound
Kept to each of his promises, and his queen always held him down
He loved hip hop and music, but never let a lyric dictate his life
He never used words like "bitch" when describing his wife
....

(to be continued)

Greatest Love

2011-06-06T12:12:00.000-04:00

I listen to you and you always make sense
I build up walls and you break through my every defense
I try to hide those things I feel that show my vulnerability
Those empty spaces in my heart that only you fill in me..
But you speak them into the air, and it's beautiful to my ears
You touch every part of my soul from my strengths to my fears
I wonder why I was so scared to hold them to the light
Every time I feel my thoughts going left, you make them right
Nothing compares to you. Nothing makes me feel like you do
It's so pure, the love I have for you
At my lowest lows, you comfort me
At my highest highs you fly with me
You motivate me to do better and be greater
I'm grateful for you then, now, and later.
To you:
My eternal song; ever changing melody
Complimenting feelings through necessary harmony
Pulsating rhythm keeping me steady in time
I hold you in my energy, I keep you in my mind

Thank you.

Good Morning...

2011-05-09T16:21:00.001-04:00

Warm body under cold sheets
I feel the pulse slow, even though this city never sleeps
The sun peeking through the shades cause my eyes to flutter under closed lids
I start to move to a more conscious state but I'd rather be dreaming about what he did
Somewhere in the middle I remember his presence above my skin
I feel his energy pulling mine up as his lips moved softly to my cheek, and then pressed in
I sigh happily because I think I must still be dreaming,
I feel my lips get wet in anticipation of what I'm needing
The softness of his touch contradicting how voracious he was last night
Like my passion was something he could just could ignite
He just sets my body on fire over and over again
I fight the love until my body starts to throb and just give in
Again I feel his energy come closer to mine
Feel his lips press against my lips, then my eyes.
I smile
He whispers "I love you" and his voice is so soft and deep
My eyes are still closed but my body is far from asleep
He kisses my forehead and I can feel my love start to form puddles of pleasure
Contract the muscles surrounding my passion to relieve some pressure
Lazily I drift back into a state of bliss
Remembering the satisfaction of every kiss
He stays a moment more, touches my hand before he leaves
I wake up recalling his actions like they were part of my dream
But I still feel his energy; I can relive each scene when I close my eyes
Thats my good morning, and I'll savor it, until he's back to give me my good night...

Keeping It Real

2011-04-27T18:06:00.002-04:00

"Girl he's not even worth your tears!
Be strong; he already got you for too many years!
Don't give him another second of your energy or time,
You're too beautiful and talented to waste on his kind
He's a dog! He's a player! You can do better, and that's real!"
....Could you please shut the fuck up and give my heart a chance to heal?

I'm sorry. I know that you're just trying to help
I know you're trying to help me unfeel what I felt
But really? I need a chance to process this pain
Because despite what you think, I really loved what's his name
I know you never understood how I could fall for his type
But MY heart and MY love doesn't have to make sense in YOUR life
I'm not a child. I don't need you to fix what's now broken
That's my responsibility alone, all I need are your arms to be open
I just need to be able to talk to my friend
I just need you to listen and not say a thing
I don't need you to judge the tears I'm going to cry
And say "how could you be sad over that kind of guy"
That kind of guy wrote me the most beautiful words
That kind of guy's touch made me forget how to hurt
I don't need you to make me forget about the nights we lay in pleasure
I don't need you to parade new men and force me to choose, compare and measure
So don't tell me to ignore the weather.

If it's raining let me feel it so I know what it's like to be wet
Let me see the clouds form and the skies darken; the sun is NOT out....yet.
I will not drown in sorrow. I will not become consumed by this moment
But if I don't first hold it how can I ever let go of it...
Right?
Right.
There isn't a magic phrase or word you're going to say to make this better
So don't try; if this girl wants to cry, just let her.
I need to be honest to myself and feel what I feel
So when I do smile again, you'll know I'm keeping it real.

This won't be easy

2011-04-15T17:22:00.000-04:00

This won't be an easy road.
I won't always be warm, some days will feel cold.
Sometimes the rain will seem unending and the clouds will seem static
The smile I dawn when you walk in a room won't always be automatic
You'll start to wonder if I'm still in love with you
Or has the time and the pain altered my view
But you can relax, love, you're a part of my song
You're the melody in my heart that will always belong
Sometimes I'll sing it off key or forget a few words
But it will always be the track my soul prefers
You may need to hold me up when I'm feeling weak
Or find the meaning in my actions when I fail to speak
But I promise to do the same through the laughter and tears
And you'll never have to wonder if anyone cares
I'll always be here.

Tweet said she doesn't care if she and him stay together
'Cause that's the part that never lasts forever
So even if tomorrow we find there's new experiences to be had
And the touch I crave is no longer from your hand
My love is unconditional; I will always feel you
And if you need me the concern I show will be real too

Right now we're somewhere between hello and see you soon
We can't tell if the 12 means midnight or noon
The waiting is cruel, so the patience is crucial
Don't pump your breaks or speed up; let's just float into neutral

Here We Go Again...

2011-04-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

I think I got a crush on your wintertime style
That's why I always greet you with a blush and a smile
You think it's crazy that I still act so humble and shy
After all the personal attention you've given my inner thigh...
But that's just the way I am when I'm digging a guy
Move from low key to falsetto when he's digging me right
How we dreaming with no sleep through the entire night?
How you got me laughing and moaning til the sun's in my eyes?
That's your gift and my curse always making me sigh
Living in the moments where in your arms I die
Grounded in the moments where in your arms I fly
We take shallow steps in deep waters
You love me like we're trying to make sons and daughters
There is no anxiety, no questions, no regrets
Just staggered breathing, loving moans and a bed full of sweat
Thoughts filled with "yes"
Sinful what we're doing but I feel blessed
I feel like the best and you feel like my only
Even if you're just my temporary cure for lonely...

Now That You're A Memory

2011-02-09T12:21:00.006-05:00

If you thought the way I loved you was a thing most would envy
You should see how I'm loving him now that you're a memory
He doesn't make me worry 'bout where...
He's been or who he saw or...
What club he went to with his homies
He's strong enough to hold me
So I'm nothing like the old me
Now I'm proud to sing our whole truth.
But I'm happy to have known you
Because of every lie you told me
I can appreciate his honesty
His roots run deep into this love we're committing
I don't have to hope for next lifetime to find a joy I can live in
He's my everything -
So everything I'm giving him
Are reflections of the inner him
So naturally I'm into him
Even when I'm out with him
(I'm loving him)
Because of him I'm over "him"
Now everything feels good again
So when I smile, it's not pretend
My lover, my leader, my best friend
He's not an addiction; he doesn't alter my reality
He's not an affliction; he's not the kind of man who hurts me
He's no contradiction; he doesn't say what he doesn't mean
He loves with conviction: there's no denying what he feels for me
So why wouldn't I give him all the best parts of my affection?
Of course I'm making his happiness my love's only intention!
He carries my heart like a King, not the court's best jester
So the baggage and the damage from you I never let fester
I shed myself of negativity because of everything he's given me
I love him like my power comes from the goddess Aphrodite
I love him with urgency
I love him with passion
I give him positive energy
He turns his promises into action

You never allowed me to give you this kind of love
You were shady and kept me bound without the warmth of the sun
No, you weren't the one.
But I guess it was fun.
And though I don't regret loving you, I'm glad that we're done.

And If you thought the way I loved you was a thing most would envy
You should see the way I'm loving him,
Now that you're a memory.

Rough Night

2011-02-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

He said he had a rough day so I'll let him give me a rough night
I'll take the pain without putting up a fight
Or maybe I might...
Depends on how he wants me to react
Close my eyes and take it? Or push and pull right back...
Fact:
He's worth the rug burns and the red ass and tomorrow's wash and set
He's worth the dizziness I'll feel when his hands are around my neck...
I don't ever regret letting him make me sweat and getting me soaking wet
I'm getting a little hot thinking about what he hasn't even started to do yet...
My Mission: Submission
Willing lips will take a firm grip of just the tip then the whole stick...
Eyes tearing up from trying to swallow my meal whole
Back of my throat swelling up to the stroke's tempo
He won't let go
Hands on the back of my head forcing me stay low
I'm ok though...
And if he doesn't want to let that pipe burst where I quench thirst,
He'll pick me up and turn me over to where we started first
I'll let him take out all of his days frustrations until he reaches that point of elation
That's why he knows when he feels down I'll give him that elevation
My rough night is how I'll save him from his rough day
Then I'll stumble up and ask him "baby are you hungry?"

He Thinks I'm....

2011-02-04T16:56:00.000-05:00

He thinks I'm beautiful
The kind of beauty you see during a sunset
'Cause when he's with me it's the only time he feels blessed
And when he's in me is the only time he's not stressed
Not the model dime chic in the club your homies consider a conquest
Not a pageant winning carbon cut out wearing a tight dress
...or much less...
Yet still my beauty he admires on my worst day
And when we touch he proves he wants me in the worst way
He makes me come before and after like Friday to Thursday
He's never stingy with his love when it comes to word play
I must say-
He's in love with more than just what I appear to be
He takes the time to know the desires of the inner me
He encourages the talents even I don't see
And when I doubt, he kisses me slow until I too believe
...I'm beautiful.

Power

2011-01-18T18:53:00.003-05:00

Damn baby...
You can just fuck me like that?
Make the chills run from my neck to the small of my back?
I used to fight this kind of love, but now I just relax
Now I just react -
Like the way a body naturally moves to the pounding of drums (boom-clack, boom-boom-clack)
This is bedroom music and you got the remix on repeat
How many times in one night can I reach new limits before you put me to sleep?
One...two...three...four...
Damn baby I can't take anymore
My confession breaks your intensity and you knowingly smile...
You whisper "yes you can" and I know you're gonna be in it for a while
I brace myself for the continuous flow of familiar pleasures
Back against the bed, legs up above my head he's taking extreme measures
I've begun to give in and not squirm so much
Been since college that in an hour I'd learn so much
You grab my ass and pull me up so only my head is touching the sheets
You never stop the rythm of the stroke and I'm in disbelief...
My eyes roll back as you reach the wall most never knew was there
First a tap, then a knock, now you're banging loud and clear
I roll my hips into your thrusts and I feel myself leaking
My eyes roll so far back I see what I'm thinking
Now my legs are shaking in reaction to the walls you're breaking
My body's torn between desire and exhaustion but I'm moving with no caution
You spread my legs wide and...holy shit you're in me deeper
Lean down and kiss me slow helping me to breathe in deeper
You're stroke is sending my body in a frenzy but your love is calming me down
And I'm two steps from heaven but 3 feet off the ground
You use sex as a weapon and you're killing me softly as it flows
I die in your arms like Shakespeare meant in his prose
I'm sure I'm not the first you've put in this hearse
But how many have put your actions to verse
So many flaws but so many perfections
So much beauty from so many erections
So much pleasure silencing so many questions
So much purpose but not many intentions
I can't recall how the seconds turned to minutes and then hours
But you're amazing and I'm gazing thinking "no one man should have all this power"

Beauty and the Beast

2011-01-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

We spend every day remaking the hood version of beauty and the beast
But we're both kinda fly so its more like calamity and the peace.
They say you are the bull in my china shop
But there's no red to mess up your head so instead of charging you just huff a lot...
...and puff a lot.

Staring in my eyes you're calm
But outside distractions always bring the threat of your storm
I tell you to focus and I move slow
People warning me you're wild and untamed like I don't already know...
Like I don't already have a few scars on a few parts of my heart
Every time I think "this is how it ends," you're like "nah, this is how it restarts"
I get it.
And I see clearly how I might soon regret it.
But they don't feel nearly how much we connected
Or how we need barely a kiss to be tempted
So I end it and you mend it and we begin it again
The outside gets smaller and the bond gets stronger between lover and friend
Or am I simply in love with healing?
If so these wounds I'm feeling
Might as well be self inflicted since addiction is the reason I'm not leaving..

No.
I entertained the thought until I felt your heart - that's why I won't go.
I see beyond the mess and the stress to the part of you most don't know
It's the light I love, and while most see darkness to me you always glow

You're no bull; just more concerned with what you could than what you should
And I am not interested in being compared to rows of fragile goods
I am far from delicate in nature or composition
My reactions based not just on facts but on intuition
And my vision
I see far beyond my beauty and your beast
I see past this calamity...and into our peace.

FML

2011-01-04T12:31:00.000-05:00

He said "Forget My Lies," like I can just rewind time
I said "Forgive Me Leaving," like I've made up my mind
He says "Face Me, Love," because my back is turned to his advances
I ask "Fight My Logic?" because I hate second chances
He suggests "Follow My Lead," and I feel my heart stir again
I plead "Free My Love!" like I'm bound by an invisible chain
He begs "Feel My Love," and now my heart is beating fast
I offer "Find Me Later?" so he can first remove his past
He whispers "Find My Lips" and moves closer to my body
I say "Fuck My Life" and give in because he's got me

Remembering

2010-12-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

I can remember my heart was recovering from it's first shattering
And you were something that quieted my brain's chattering
You came by, all smiles and we spent time once again
I wonder if you knew that us being just friends was about to end;
We were one embrace from change;
And yet, none of it felt strange
You looked to me for that familiar hug at my door
Lost myself inside your arms and couldn't ignore it anymore.
Your gaze told me you knew this was bound to happen
Put your lips on my lips and ignited a new kind of passion
One I had never experienced before;
One I'd remember and crave forever more

I can remember you driving 300 miles
Bringing me presents and kisses and love through the night
We were secret lovers; you stole my lips, I stole your heart
Like magnets not much could keep us apart
We used to laugh and walk through campus speaking of music and each other
We'd crack jokes and discuss hopes of one future, but ended up in another

I can remember when we'd argue, years into our bliss
I'd feel neglected or you'd need space or I was just being a bitch
Either way you'd call and apologize,
Sometimes bring me roses to ensure my smile
Maybe I didn't show my appreciation, but I was grateful you were my mine
I tried to show you whenever you and I had our alone time

I can remember road trips down to Virgina's shore
We damn near bought out the liquor store
But ended up crashing side by side in drunken bliss
Ending the night with nothing more than a kiss
That's ok we needed nights where we just enjoyed each other's company
We had PLENTY of moments where we enjoyed each other physically
From a quickie on top of your car right in the middle of the street
To 3 hour sessions sexin with R.Kelly on repeat

I can remember music holding secrets that still only we know
Christion telling me to just leave my love and take off my clothes
Art of Noise giving us moments after we did 4 play 3 times
I'm not saying you were perfect, but at your best you were mine
Now I know we've both grown and we're probably better off
But if you wanna know how I felt it's just like that, and etcetera, etcetera...

I can remember it ending, but not because the love wasn't there
But we were young, and our problems too heavy a load to bare
Life changing decisions made in the presence of fear
For a while I would use a smile to cover the tracks of tears
We said goodbye but the energy kept drawing us together
So the next few years were spent mimicking the weather
Hot, cold, wet, dry,
Cool and clear or volatile.

I can remember when I knew we were really done
Years later and still wondered if you were the one
But I was holding on to some version of a different life
We'd grown apart and that's not wrong, even if it's also not right
Our separate paths cross again and again
You're not a stranger, lover, or friend
You're the evolution of someone I once belonged to
A memory faded into the background of a song I knew

I find myself humming it every now and again
But it doesn't sound the same to me now, as it did then.

"Raindrops keep falling on my head...."

Track 2

2010-11-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

I'm falling in love with how he speaks to me through music that he plays for me
Intentions amplified with the meaning in the lyrics and the melody
We're silent and I'm driving; these songs are getting at the best of me
Takes my hand to his lips and lets a kiss get at the rest of me
This is his personal contradiction to the way he lives his life:
Flagrantly single; he should be beckoning the anti-wife
But I'm anti-trife, so I'm letting it flow;
The shit he did last week to piss me off, I'm letting it go
He changes the song but keeps the mood steady and controlled
Now I hear the words in his heart that he keeps untold
I slow down and turn to him to let him know I'm listening
He knods his head in silence as the song is finishing.
His eyes (unlike his words) never lie or make promises he can't maintain
But they tell me at this moment I'm the reason he's sane
A little tipsy, I'm tempted to say something kinda crazy
But I know it's just the situation making me hazy
So I refrain, the song changes, he continues the theme of love
Still I know it's just a theory and not the theme of us
He thinks I'm in it for the sex,
I think he's in it 'til the next
So we're cautious to avoid having to live with regrets -
He kisses my hand again, I guess he felt me moving away
Which is funny because I really only wanted to stay
This time he lets his lips linger just above my skin
Between the music and his energy I want to give in
I want to give all
I want to be able to fall
If I need anything I want it to be him that I call

Hard For Me To Write These Words

2010-11-09T18:11:00.001-05:00

I write what I'm feeling and what I'm living
What I'm needing and what I'm missing
I write the words you somehow couldn't say
Or at the very least you couldn't figure out a way
So I take the emotions you feel and give them a voice
I do it like I never really had a choice...

Still, it's hard to write these words...
Afraid that some of you might figure out the nouns and connect them to the verbs...
Connect the voice to the source of my laughter
Connect the face with my prose about the mornings after
My presumed sexuality on display for your voyeuristic needs
Your assumptions blur my fictions with my realities

I shouldn't really care.
Doing this makes me feel like I exist here.
Like the part of me that's dormant during my 9 to 5
Finally gets to prove that it too is alive
That my life isn't a monotonous transition from home to work to play
That my world is made up of more than the hours in this day
I exist beyond the physical matter and the parts of me you see
I am a part of some vision you have yet to dream,
Or I'm a part of some past experience you've remembered to forget
Then my words give that feeling new life and you forget to regret
Because you know somewhere someone is sharing that load
How can I connect with a memory you know is yours alone?
That's what these words are to me
A way to express empathy

I write what I'm dreaming of and hoping for
I write when I've given too much or when I'm owing more
I write when I'm lacking and feeling nothing at all
I write when I'm angry because he forgot to call...
I write about his kisses making me weak
I write about him sexing me until I forget how to speak
I write about the confusion of love and the need for lust
I write about the want for security when there's a lack of trust

But I hope I'm writing your thoughts when you're searching for closure
I hope they reach you when you're on earth but Hell seems closer
I hope they make you realize your unique pain is actually pretty plain
And that trying to be normal is actually pretty fucking insane.

I'll take the storms along with the sun to gain appreciation for both
Knowing the extremes is what keeps giving this poetry growth
And maybe that's a metaphor for the things I've put my heart through and the reasons why
But at least it's just as easy for me to smile as it is for me to cry

That may be a lie...

But...I'm working on it through words
Figuring out the nouns and connecting them with verbs
So as I glide my fingers easily over these keys;
And as your eyes greedily devour what I feed
We're both connected in this moment through a trail of my needs and wants
To me that's worth the nakedness I feel when you're consuming my thoughts

Balance

2010-10-28T12:34:00.000-04:00

He makes me happy when I'm mad, tho he's the source of my woe
But the balance is amazing like Kanye's girls on their toes
And I could run away but really just how far could I go?
I take two steps and he yells out "but I'm a part of your soul"
I turn around, meet his gaze and defiantly yell back "so?"
His smiling response is "I just like telling you what you already know"
I would hit him but it's pointless 'cause he's used to pain
I would cry but he's immune because he's used to the rain
So I laugh and disarm him with my ability to stay sane
(This is no easy task when you're playing his game)
The reality of it is, I'm a woman he would love to love
And he's a man I would love to give all the above
But we're just too busy with other versions of ourselves
That we manage to forget to feel what we felt...
Does that make sense? It's like we're planning to someday be in love
But I'm busy from today until the fourth of next month
And he's got that thing he's gotta do with those people from before
So we're back to having one foot in and one foot out of the door
I tell him what I need and he tells me what he's able to give
I tell him how I see, he tells me how he's able to live
And I'm able to forgive, but he's impossible to forget
The frustration powerful but short lived and so is the regret
Before you know it we're back to making each other laugh
And that thing that made me cry is just a part of our past
Just a part of our story
Just a part of our song
The melancholy melody I sing when I'm alone
Which is more often than you'd think with all this poetry I write
But I don't need quantity when the quality of passion is right
Which is funny because honestly I'm not even his type
Over-thick, over-confident, and OVER being contrite
And I'm not into all this drama over being his wife
Like the chics that's into fighting just to be in his life
But I digress, all I'm saying is he's amazing to know
And if the highs don't outweigh, they at least equal the lows
I hope I always have his kind of energy beside me
Even if its in the soul of a different love that finds me
Being "with" him has proven that life has yet to define me
And the hurt I've felt from before is definitely behind me
Otherwise I wouldn't be able to feel the way I feel
Or give so much of myself even when there's nothing to receive
I'd be too scared of getting hurt to let in this kind of uncertainty
Focus only on who he was instead of encouraging who he can be
And maybe he can't be, maybe there's no such thing as change
Maybe me throwing caution to the wind is kind of strange
But he makes me feel the blood moving from my heart to my thighs
And for now that's worth every single low on the way to every single high.

Kiss Me

2010-10-21T14:58:00.001-04:00

Damn I love the way you kiss me...

That's the kiss I crave when my desire is at its peak
That's the feeling right before love and just after the one that makes me leak
The one that makes me feel we'll never need a reason to speak
That's the kind of kiss that makes a strong heart weak...
Or beat.
Those things you tell me you feel, often lack critical actions
But when you're kissing me I'm granted sublime satisfaction
My hand gently caressing your face in natural reaction
To the way you're lips caress mine with so much passion
I imagine,
Time comes to a stop so we can just keep on having
We're consuming this energy like from pleasure we were fasting
I was starving for something I never knew I craved
And what I didn't know was inside me to give, I gave
You say
I'm someone special and worthy; deserving of love
And though I feel it won't be you who fills that part of me up
I pretend that your words are more than enough
Until I'm drifting through a dream of the potential of us
And trust
When you combine your kiss with your power and you stroke me to sleep
And then you hold me through the night like you're playing for keeps
I almost give you the part of me that's been out of your reach...
But my mind knows what my body and heart refuse to believe
Or see..
That what feels so secure in my grasp has never belonged to me
That words don't bind hearts and what seems caged is really free
That I am only privy to one version of the man you choose to be
But its ok because in this moment from this man that's everything I need..

And of course...

...For you to kiss me.

A to Z

2010-10-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

Always Being Consistent,
Destiny Emits Fleeting Grief.
His Image Justified Kisses
Love Made New Opinions;
Pre-set Quick Reactions...
Started To Use Variation,
While X-tending Your Zeal.

Say No To Drugs

2010-10-05T17:48:00.005-04:00

He's so bad for me...
My own personal sin
But I always give in.

He's never shy, his kiss says everything
Slow and deep he's giving me everything
Taking the time to touch me beyond my skin
Saying the things lovers whisper when lights go dim
But he leaves those intentions with me when he goes
Because it's something like an impossibility; summer and snow
Or rather it's a feeling he practices giving like a dress rehearsal
And the minute that he's gone it's a total reversal

But I'm addicted, and I wanna stay off the wagon
I'll take the drug through overdoses of injections and passion
Then it wraps me in its false sense of security through the night
The high fades when hes out of my sight.

He's a dangerous combination of right and wrong
Like discovering your most hated artist made your favorite song
You love the track so you just keep singing along
And try to ignore the feeling telling you the two don't belong...

Together.
But you can't ignore the weather.
You can say it's sunny when it's raining;
But you'll only end up wetter...

So even if I screamed I didn't care that he's not mine
Or If I say he's just something that I'm doing to pass the time
There's a very good chance I'm gonna cross that line
And end up wishing I could press delete after pressing rewind....

Because...

He's so bad for me.
My own personal sin...
And even if I hesitate...

I always give in.

*sigh*

More Than That

2010-09-28T19:28:00.001-04:00

I once had a man gone in 60 seconds;

He reached his peak before he could even conjure up a full word to speak.

I'm so good at tapping into your energy and amping up the power until everything is clear

Skilled as a concert pianist; I touch you here, sound comes out there.

I can play you hard and fast or soft and nimbly;

Apply the meaning of a melody to the movement of our bodies.

Maybe in another life I was an Empath...

Because I feel what you feel and then I make it last

I can satisfy someone I care for by knowing exactly what they're craving

And I'm not ashamed that what I do with my tongue is kind of amazing

I enjoy every minute of making you squirm

But there's so much more about me to learn....

From this same mouth that kisses you into a frenzy and tastes you into submission

I speak words that I wish you could see beyond a bedroom vision.

My mind is so much more than capable of handling your body's needs

I need more than just the vibrations your penetration always makes me feel

Beyond the supple soft mounds of flesh on my chest you love to caress

Beats a heart that should be considered more often; not less.

My legs can walk beside you as you travel through the light and the dark

They can even lead you to happiness beyond that which you feel when they're spread apart

These hands can build a love greater than one you'd ever even hoped...

How about I try your ego instead of that rod of power the next time you need something stroked?

I'm just saying: Can we connect beyond that level of intimacy?

Or is my belief that our pleasure can go beyond your phallus just a fallacy?

I'm more than a temptress, seductress, or a lyric in a Nicki Minaj song

(You know, the one I giggle to whenever it comes on...)

I'm more than curves and body and soft and delectable

(Even though I love the way you find my desire so edible)

I'm more than a reason to get hard

I'm more than your personal porn star

I'm more than hot sex on your platter

I'm more, but that doesn't seem to matter.

What's crazy is the closer you get to the heart of me,

The stronger my appetite becomes in that part of me...

You do the math.

Had An Idea

2010-09-23T16:32:00.010-04:00

(Inspired by a tweet by @Baj25)

I had an idea of us,
But the idea was stronger than the truth of us,
And the truth was heavier than the dream of us
So the truth is I envied the belief of us,
Is that clear enough?

Picture us playing house,
Scene 1: I'm on the couch
You walk in and say "hey baby," I answer back something kinda lazy
Dropping your bags you tell me that's an unacceptable greeting
I grin wide because I knew what that look in your eyes was meaning
You come at me fast and I hop up and run,
Cat and mouse chases are always kinda fun.
I'm gonna let you catch me (or rather I'm gonna fall in to you)
Breathlessly I'll kiss your lips and whisper "Hi baby, I missed you"
You'll smack my ass and say, "So what's on the menu?"
I'll say something smart like, "I was thinking maybe I could have a little you..."

I had an idea of you
But the idea had a through-my-sunglasses view of you
And the truth was always hidden by my need for you
So the truth is I was falling for the shell of you
Did you see it too?

Picture us falling in love
Scene 2: The city's dripping with the energy we dream of
We walk through concrete jungles and wind up by lakes and parks
The laughter following us as the evening grows dark
Taste the flavors of each experience through a lustful kiss
No rush to leave this moment; nothing is as important as this
The lies you used to utter aren't an option when you're with me
The truth you used to hide you reveal with aching sobriety
And when I cry in your arms I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed
You protect me from the fire, the lightning, the thunder and the rain
I'm safe with you. I'm free.
I'm always able to just be me.

See, I had an idea of us,
But the idea was stronger than the truth of us,
And the truth was heavier than the dream of us
So the truth is I envied the belief of us,
Is that clear enough?

Broken Heart

2010-09-23T15:20:00.000-04:00

What's a broken heart?
It's nothing but a damn good reason for a better start.
A reminder that this world will always try to tear you apart.
So you can let it, or you can take heed to the lesson taught.
Broken hearts serve as filters for your reality
Floating on cloud 9 all the time impedes clarity
Only way to appreciate comedy is to endure tragedy
We only place value on life because of mortality

This truth is from the girl who was in love with a lie
From a girl flawed in ways you can't see with your eye
She owns a heart that's been rebuilt over and again
Each time the structure gets harder to bend
Like the will of a champion vs. the wants of a fool
Equally motivated, but only one comprehends the rules
You can only conquer what you first thoroughly understand
Each defect as important as each brilliance of a plan.
So while you learn to fly, you have to learn to fall
Right has no meaning if you never felt the consequences of Wrong

So yeah, I've been hurt...but I own that like badges of knowledge
Each time I'm willing to try again? That's just proof of my courage
I cried a river, built a bridge, then got the fuck over it
And while I forgave, there's no time for that do-over shit

A broken heart is necessary for its connection to pain
I no longer hide; I dance in the rain
So when the sun shines I don't neglect its embrace
Or take for granted the warmth of each ray on my face

My broken heart is preparing me
So when the love that's for me comes along...

I'll be ready.

Makes No Sense.

2010-09-02T12:46:00.002-04:00

He doesn't quite make me crazy
But he pushes me towards the line
Leaving is always an option...just not sure if it's mine
Never in love but we chase each other through fiery storms
Knowing that if we ever caught each other we'd do nothing but burn
But when he's had a bad day I just wanna fuck him til he feels better
Chemistry so sick only in the ocean would it be wetter
That's a little harsh, I know, but that's the energy he brings
That's the damage of a storm without the presence of winds
That's what fire does. It greedily consumes the air.
All the while emitting a heat and a glow that draws you near.
Insane passion repeats the same disturbing ritual
Pretend to care so much we confuse fiction and factual
Did I mean it when I said stay? Or when I said go?
Did he mean it when he said yes? Or when he said no?
If you understand me you're probably stuck in a similar labyrinth
This kind of stupidity must be based on some kind of talent.
Makes no sense to try to justify intentionally being so wrong
But your version of right hasn't appealed to me in so long

21 Questions

2010-08-25T14:44:00.005-04:00

What if we never kissed?
What if we never gave in to the moment that led us up to this?
What if a smile was just a smile and a hug just a hug?
What if we never thought about what it would feel like to love...?
How would it be different if we ignored the lust?
Would it be better if we never had to worry about trust?
Where would we be if I never closed my eyes
While you kissed me slowly from my neck to my thighs?
Do you think you never should have answered the phone?
Would you be happier with your ex, the next or even alone?
When did our light conversations turn into a heavy need?
Would it even matter if I gave you all of me?
What if we never merged the memory of a smile with the sound of a song?
What if you never held me all night long?
Do you wonder sometimes if you made the right decision?
Is this really how love looks when you dream of it's vision?
What if I never believed in second chances?
Or melted at your memory of passionate dances?
How would our lives be different if we never even met?
Is it too late to learn how to forgive and forget?
Would we know what we were missing if we never tried?
And will I ever get past the presence of a lie....

Don't ask me...(Unthinkable)

2010-08-16T20:33:00.003-04:00

Can't call this unthinkable....

Not after the way we played with the idea
Set those words free into the night air
Whispering "what ifs" through laughing lips
The whole time blaming it on 80 proof sips
Not usually one for mid day flights but for you I'll board that paper plane
Put fire to fuel and at this height their "crazy" becomes our "sane"
We're just toying with a notion; should that really start a commotion?
Females hate the voice he loves like I've taken the 9th love potion...

But I won't call this unthinkable...

Truth be told,
We probably thought about it long before we knew the story would unfold.
Deep into the innocence of our friendship there lay a dormant seed
Hiding behind playful smiles was a want just waiting to become a need
Check the calendar again because the weather's warm and the month is long
But I'm feeling like February 14th has found me whenever I hear this song
Or should I say these songs since it seems we've created a soundtrack
It's this sound that saves our story whenever I think I should turn back.

Not that this is unthinkable...

It just seemed highly unlikely
That "want me" would morph into a version of "like me"
I'll end that thought before the verb becomes a double for a noun
Another four letter word often lost before it's found
So don't ask me because I'm not ready to be ready
I may be eager to be happy but I'm cool with slow and steady
Besides, I already find pleasure every time we're alone
You've already given me back that smile I forgot I owned

So the possibility of finding what I need inside your heart
Isn't unthinkable at all, it just deserves a lot more thought.

Guest Post: Thought About You

2010-08-04T09:12:00.004-04:00

Thought about you all day.
Thought about so much that the day escaped me.
Care none 'cause in thought you were with me.
We held hands we kissed we talked we walked and when we get tired,
We embraced in silence.
I snapped out of these daydreams only to fall into another
Leaving me to wonder if my name was more than just a whisper on your tongue,
Or more than a secret spoken to deaf ears.
Today spoke of how I missed you.
Of how I long for you and yearn to see you if only for a little while.
In my mind that would equate eternity captured by a moment to be dreamt about tomorrow,
When I spend a day
In thought of you

By Rocky M.

Love the Way You Lie

2010-08-03T16:13:00.011-04:00

Funny how there's no rewind in life but you can always play it back
And the things you most adamantly oppose you inevitably attract
Groundhog day; repeating the same lines 10 times
I know this argument so well I can recite it with closed eyes
Your kissing words are missing verbs; can't prove it without action
The possibility of more fabricates a frustrated satisfaction
Like the 10th stroke when I feel the sensation magnify between my thighs
Keep moving through the pain hoping to throb until I sigh
But this isn't a physical manifestation of a lust filled need
This is my heart; and you keep breaking it but you've never seen me bleed
So of course you don't believe.
You don't understand the realm beyond what you can see.

I do. I understand it more than the tangible truth
You can't see music but there's something magical that happens in a booth
I can't see God but I fear Him more than what I witness each day
You can't see love, so the concept is just something you use to play?

Now the possibility of less than me has caught you by surprise
You thought I'd be that girl who stays around and loves the way you lie...

...and maybe I will.

Because if you lie the same way you love I'm in for something of a thrill...

Music Inspired: Love Queen 1

2010-07-08T15:51:00.003-04:00

(Inspired by The-Dream's Love King and various songs/lines from it)

Change my mind when it comes to you more than I change the track
Bi-polar with the way that I move forward and then bring it right back
"When Feelings Attack"
That should be the title of our affair
Lusting after the side effects of love without a care.
Kinda foolish to drive past the exit but still expect to get there.
One thing that's for sure? I'm not tryna fall in love again.
But I might be tryna sex intelligently with someone I call a friend.
Thinking about you long after the night says good morning
I guess that's what some people would call the first warning
I hear you blaring siren. I see you red flashing light.
And I've taken note of every possible exit off this flight.
I've kept in mind that it may be behind me
BBM keeps my emotional GPS so my girls can always find me
I wear my heart on my shirt, so I'll be rockin' a dress
Leave that weakness at home and I'll take all the rest

But yes..
Should ever the me he sees actually be the me he needs...

Yall don't hear me.
I'm saying if the me he feels is equal to the me that's real,

Well,

That's time's lucky privilege: to conceal and reveal

Purple Memories

2010-07-01T10:53:00.010-04:00

Purple clouds escape into coconut flavored intoxication
Warm bodies dizzy and giddy from the combination
What I wanna do to you I can't even blame on the alcohol
Those thoughts were born in sobriety and flourished through a 4 hour phone call
Can't look in your eyes for too long or you're gonna see my every intention
My big browns all too easily give up the secrets of my affection
My pliable heart won't fall in love but it will crave the passion
So every touch unintentionally sets off a chemical reaction
Little currents of energy flowing like liquid reminders of kissing you
Now I spend my nights remembering the way you make me laugh and missing you
I want you to remember the warmth of my body, the softness of my skin
The wetness of my tongue pulling you deeper within
I want you to day dream about being inside of me
Take an earlier flight just to be beside me...
Then we can take a flight together; with no plane
Leave our bodies grounded and send our minds up with the haze
Drift lazily above the clouds between chocolate kisses and coconut induced flows
I feel good with you right here, right now, and that's all I need to know.
Eventually my dream is disrupted with a desire to feed
Find the bulge in your pants to supply what I need
I'm in charge as I slowly taste the source of my body's satisfaction
We inhaled pleasure so I'm savoring my tongue's every action
Closed mouths don't get fed and I'm tryna get breakfast in bed
The honey dripping down my thighs got you ready to beg
But you don't have to; I'm gonna give you all the nourishment you crave
And you can feast until the master becomes the slave
Take the figure eights you perfected up my stomach and to my breast
Use your hands so no part of me forgets to be caressed
Breathing in the intoxication of your energy mixed with mine
I feel you penetrate the entrance to the source of my divine
Eyes roll back as you take me higher up on our flight
No turbulence because it's fluid even though the ride is tight
I just might
*oooooh*
Be
*aaah*
Coming
*daaamn*
Now
You slow the flow so I don't crash but it's you who's gonna drown
I'm not full; I use my mouth remember your stroke and follow it
And as you throb inside my cheeks you know I'm gonna....

;-)

Request Approved

2010-06-28T12:32:00.004-04:00

This time, this man kisses my lips
My center goes somewhere left, right, and eventually dips
Down to a place where I drip down so he can drown
I've felt his lips against mine before
But this time, this man better give me more
We taste like gray goose and lust
You can call it love minus the trust
Minus the us, we're just two kids at play
Two bodies of energy pushing the limits of the day
I say, "What are you doing," as his hands previously roaming intentionally
Find its way to my belt and undoes it carefully
Kissing me from my lips, to my cheek, up my neck and to my ear
He says"shut up," in a whisper but my body heard it loud and clear
He's in charge of this night as it creeps towards day
I no longer hold the lust I'm feeling at bay
No; I obey
I feel the material slide down my thighs and over my calves
Unconsciously lift my feet as he pulls them past
As he separates my legs I'm thinking, "Please let him enter"
Instead I feel him merge his kiss with my throbbing center
His tongue cool in contrast to the heat I emit
Dives into warm puddles that scream what I won't admit
My eyes close and I feel myself starting to fight
But he grips my thighs and everything feels soooooo right
Arching my back I hear my breathing get staggered and heavy
Soft moans exit into the air; my energy's in some kind of frenzy
I exit in and out of consciousness, float through levels of awareness
My mind once unsure of what I needed is now at it's clearest:
I need him.
I need him to touch me where I've been longing to be touched
To kiss me where I've no longer felt loved
To take the pressure I know he must feel growing
And release it within the walls from which this river is flowing
I'm so fucking open

...

(to be continued)

The Best List (part 1)

2010-06-08T15:13:00.004-04:00

The best conversation I ever had started not with a voice but with a note and it was more like "melodies played" than it was "words we spoke" and I hope it never ends because the topic's always dope; keeps it real, helps me heal, helps me feel, helps me cope.

The best friend I ever had has 3 or 4 faces and you can catch her at any moment in 3 or 4 places. What hate and pain dishes out she always comes and erases so there's nothing I wouldn't do for the smile on those faces. Thanks to "her" I have not one but 3 or 4 home bases.

The best sex I ever had lasted 10 whole years, not consistently but frequently enough to keep the care, and I swear...magnetic doesn't begin to describe the way we paired but like the first words in a Beenie song "I can feel it in the air." Love never came without hate so we sexed through wear and tear but if I could do it all again I would never ever share.

Music Inspired Series: Last Night I Missed You

2010-06-01T09:50:00.010-04:00

I missed you last night. I lay moist from the heat;

Beater clinging to my skin; traces of the curves on my chest slightly darker at the peaks

Slightly lonely but drunk from your memory I smile stupidly at some commercial I'm not even watching

Some light from the TV casts shadows on my wall and they turn into lazy focal points for this day dream

Though its no longer day.

I turn over to one side and let the comforter lay loosely between my legs and separate my thighs

I still wear that awkward smile

Retrace the last words we said in my head over and again

Shake from my mind the memory and switch from reality to fantasy

Close my eyes and I'm no longer alone but become half of the energy floating through the room

I feel my skin vibrate where I imagine your fingers would trace

Down from my shoulders to my hands, across my back and into my arch you press your face

I feel your lips and the vibration moves from a feeling to a sight

It's like I'm noticing different colors or moving through some kind of light

Around my skin the pressure from your lips and your tongue alternate with the glide of your hands

Now I don't understand

Because I didn't mean to sigh but I heard the sound escape and the air release

I conjured up more of your energy

No longer a tremble or a vibration I felt my body start to pulsate

My breathing no longer a sigh; heavy and increasing at its own pace

I am radiating heat;

The white cotton clinging to my breasts is translucent and wet

The warmest part of my essence releases and tenses

I throb and the energy is more than extensive

Hold on as long as I can and just before it exits

I whisper your name

So glad you came...

Guest Feature: Reality TV

2010-05-28T10:00:00.012-04:00

It's like a movie screen that flashes across my eyes. These visions of you, I and that stroke. It doesn't cause heart failure but the limousine you drive that parks so perfectly in my garage does give me palpitations.

Closing my eyes that movie screen becomes HD as I see the sweat drippin from my brow, feel your tongue glide across my skin. Asking how I taste, your moan let's me knw how sweet and sticky your tastebuds feel, enjoyin that first layer and craving the next.

Our hands clasp and your thrust sends me over the edge. Biting my lips, tightening my thighs...you whisper in my ear, "talk to me"....I tell you go faster but wait! Not that fast, right there. Covering every inch of the egyptian cotton, these gymnastic-like movements occur. I grip, you push, I scratch, you pull...wondering if your suspended in air using one hand to easily apply those rhythmic movements to my backside.

My mouth waters as the back and forth movements drive my spine insane. I wanna taste you but your grip feels so good. Breathing heavy, scalp drenched, the operatic sounds from my vocal chords reach pitch tones unimaginable....I scream your name, you scream mine as you bounce me up and down your column of ecstasy.

Pulling my hair, you arch my back...I close my eyes and right before I explode, I open them and realize your in front of me...fully clothed, smiling...asking me if I'm ok....drifting off into this fantasy of mine occurs each time I see you but you'll never know. Scared to approach, I keep it all inside, until the right time....if there is a time...but now, I'll settle for the screen across my eyes.

Written by @AlwaysVaughny

What you do to me

2010-05-20T15:05:00.006-04:00

That feels so good
It's like...
You knew just...*ooh*...where.....to find...*damn*...that...*aah*...feeling

Or did you put it there as I was lying here unaware
You're so damn good at this...I don't even care.

Eyes closed I feel my breathing get irregular and light
Deep sighs because everything you're doing is right
Every ounce of insecurity is dripping from sight
I don't wanna catch my breath I wanna chase it through the night
Exhale more times than I mean to, but I need to, 'cause I feel you..

...and I feel too.

That's more than I expected when I opened the door
More than any part of my body was even hoping for
I just wanted a distraction and a little bit of heat
Now I'm stuttering your name until the dawn finds me asleep
Or maybe finds you still deep
Now look what you've done
Look what you've begun
Look at the web you've spun
Look how these waters run

How'd you know that if you kissed me there I'd re energize?
Or that a touch right there would tense the muscles in my thighs?
Oh damn girl don't cry,
I know he's taking you high
The air is thin up here, your brain is no longer clear
Now I no longer hear any of the voices of fear

It's just you
Sweet salty caramel coated strong sweaty rock hard (good lord!) you

And me.
Soft supple slippery curvy bendy tender (i need you to remember) me

It's been so long since I've felt so free
You made the transition seem so easy

You just don't know what you do to me.

Reader Inspired Series: Can you hear it?

2010-05-19T12:55:00.004-04:00

My heart beats louder than my mind speaks
This kind of internal volume does nothing but make my body weak
Hard to hear what you're saying over my own needs
So forgive me if I'm following my own leads
But I know me
A few days from now I'm gonna wish I didn't say yes
Think about how I keep failing my own damn test
And I know we should speak never, and fuck even less
But love lusts what lust loves so I'm-a let you caress
And all the rest
'Cause you're the best - well...not really but I'll settle for less
At least until I find more; but if I'm scared to open other doors,
How can I possibly obtain what I'm looking for?
Standing still is cowardly, and outwardly, I am that Lion
I can tell my bravado is something that nobody is buying
Then again I'm not really trying to be bought, sold, or rented
And I definitely don't need to justify my heart or defend it
But I wouldn't mind if this song its been playing was ended
It's like a loop that's been going on for years
Attracting the same kind of disillusioned ears
Who make my same eyes cry the same kind of tears

Can you hear it?

I shouldn't be here

2010-05-11T16:08:00.008-04:00

Came across the above youtube video and in my mind I lengthened and repeated and edited these chords. Came up with a song. Below are the lyrics.

You called, I answered
But none of that matters.
At the end of the day,
I shouldn't be here

You spoke, I listened
But none of that's important to me
No, I shouldn't be here

You smiled, and I'm scared.
I'm trembling with fear.
But who cares?
I shouldn't be here

Now your hand is on my face
Like it doesn't know its place
Is on another her, a different me
But you touch me like we're meant to be

Those eyes, I recognize
But this time, I crave the lie
Oh no,
I shouldn't be here

You paused, I felt the heat
Now nothing else matters
But I shouldn't be here

My mind's playing our song
You're standing too close please move along
I shouldn't be here

Turn around you stupid girl
Just walk away, don't you dare stay
You should know
I shouldn't be here

Then you caught me by surprise
Felt your lips press against mine
What are we doing? Didn't I learn?
Nothing that fire can do but burn

But your eyes, I recognize
And this time, I crave the lie
No no
I shouldn't be here

But if you touch me again
And say you love me again
Then in this moment I'll give in
Then everyone loses, nobody wins

Or

Say nothing and save my heart
Play the villain; play your part
So it's clear

I shouldn't be here

This is How I Survive (Unfinished)

2010-05-10T14:29:00.004-04:00

This is how I survive
I put one foot in front of the other and make forward steps in time
I put one thought in front of the other and that's how I change my mind
That's how I move on and get over, that's how I suffer and grow
That's why this world can either kiss my ass or acknowledge my flow
Somebody better act like they know.

This is how I survive
Cry, scream, laugh, repeat
Divulge information most would usually keep
In public forums I show the weakest part of my heart
Some people think it's insane, but that's how I shed so I can restart
The reaction others get from my poetry is my high
So while you critique my wings I'm still gonna fly
I'm still gonna cry, scream, laugh and then repeat
I'm still gonna sigh, beam, and draft with no defeat

This is how I survive
I call that really bad man who broke my heart
Let the softness in his voice remind me it wasn't always dark
I wasn't always sad I wasn't always broken
He wasn't the first or last that's gonna get me open
I wasn't the first or last to taste that kind of pain
And I remember love is never given in vain

This is how I survive
Turn the music all the way up and disturb the peace
Shake silence from my heart; fill it with beats
Doubt gets relentlessly attacked like drunken abuse,
Wife beaters on my breasts I sweat through til I'm through
Singing loud and off key
Then me panting desperately
The song ends and I smile as I catch my breath
Shower off the stress and hold on to what's left.

This is how I survive.

#MM Part 1: The Order

2010-05-05T15:48:00.005-04:00

I
Am
Starving...

I need this to ease..
4 pm on my screen is just a tease...
One more hour 'til I rush out this building and calm the storm that's been building all day...
Because I know there's a king waiting to give it to me my way
Thick, stacked, and juicy...shit...my mouth is watering
I dial 10 familiar digits and say "I'm ordering in.
Please have it hot and ready to serve by the time I get home
And I'm not frail like other girls I want that meat on the bone
Don't serve me anything burned, I wanna savor all the juices
And I'm not putting my mouth on anything that flakes around the edges
It should be firm with just enough give so I can feel the layers with my tongue
This is custom ordered; serve me someone else's shit and consider our business done
Do you remember how I liked it the last time I placed an order?
Yeah...damn your memory's good! You're making my body water!
I'll be home by 5:30, please be waiting when I arrive
I'll make sure that what I give you will be worth the drive
Yeah I hear the thunder; are you worried about a little rain?
Just be there when I said and trust me you'll be glad you came."

Typo Inspired LOL: This time of yesterday and other random thoughts

2010-05-05T15:07:00.003-04:00

Ever notice how more than the weather changes this time of year?
How the mood and the energy is different in the air?
How the light directly correlates with the smiles we wear?
I know I personally love to go from covered up to bare...

With all this in mind, it's bittersweet this time;
Grateful for the sun - please continue to shine
Grateful for the warmth - I missed you, it's been a while
Yet to say that I'm satisfied would be living in denial

Because I remember this time of yesterday
When the warmth was just a symptom of how we played
The sun only shone so to me you could find your way
Water dripping from our skin every time we laid...

Down is no longer a direction but the description of a feeling
Transcribe these words however you like; find your own subliminal meaning
Consider me the mirror mirror that's hanging somewhere on your ceiling
'Cause we're all more honest at night, at that moment just before we're dreaming.

Reader Inspired Series: How Many Lies does it Take?

2010-05-03T16:37:00.005-04:00

One lie, two lies, three lies, four.
You've gone from a man to a common whore
To a coward's door I walk up and knock
Got a box full of things, from his clothes to his watch
I don't think you'll need these at my place anymore
He's not even phased; he's been through it before

Five lies, six lies, seven lies, eight
And this was all before we even had our third date
Took a little bit longer to catch on to your game
But that's what little kids do; they don't love - they play
You're supposed to grow out of that phase, c'mon son, you serious?
Hoeing is what got the cat killed, so keep on being curious

Nine lies, ten lies, eleven lies, twelve
I'm not even listening; you're just lying to yourself
Nobody ever taught you that men don't need to lie?
Be real to a woman and she'll stay by your side
Nah I'm not saying she'll agree to be your slide,
But if you can't handle the job then baby don't apply.

And whatever you do...
Don't
Fucking
Lie.

Reader Inspired Series: Love deferred.

2010-04-28T12:12:00.003-04:00

I'm now taking writing requests, here's my first posting not inspired by my own life but from the words of a friend.

I know it's wrong to hold you accountable for his mistakes
But there's not much more heartache I can take
And my heart breaks before the lie is even told
Maybe I could forgive if it was just one betrayal but this story is old
The faces change but the lie is always the same
It's this cycle in my reality that's pushing me towards insane
You get closer and I push you away
Not because I want to, but because I'm safer this way
See there's no magic pill to take away that kind of pain
You gotta avoid the cause: game's played in love's name.
Some may define my actions as bitter and scorned,
But I'm just trying to keep safe what has already been torn
Damaged, mishandled, mistreated and abused
I'd rather keep you at this distance than to be one more time bruised
I'm not strong enough to handle the battle that comes from deceit
And I'm not willing to fight; nah I'd rather retreat
I'd rather build this wall between myself and the hope I have for you
Because I don't know if I can survive what disappointment puts me through
You look like the kind of man I could spend my life in love with
But you also look like the kind of man who could take my love and vanish
I'm sorry;

The possibility of love is outweighed
By the probability of pain
But if someday I should be willing to fall
I'll make sure that it's you I call.

Sex Therapy part 1.

2010-04-21T18:09:00.004-04:00

Kiss me...
Put your lips on my wetness
Use your tongue, play with my heart
Let me apply reverse pressure
Taste your tongue; play that part
Take me further, use your hands
Trace my energy make my skin dance
Push me to my limits then go just a little bit more
I'll sigh deeply; make you lust a little bit more
A little bit softer, now a little bit rough
A little bit of you and me; a lot of us
Soft lips find your neck, my tongue summoning your energy
Circles of heat, pressue and wetness
Tell me Daddy do you like this?
Moan for me baby so I know the bulge has come
Then let me feel what my energy has done
Slide my hand down your shirt
Find the zipper and unleash the girth....
You're warm, throbbing and swollen in my hand
I'm tempted to rip all these clothes off and show you you're my man
That baby, this is yours, every drop of honey is for you
Sweet slippery and weak only for you.
Kiss me again, I stroke you
Touch me again, I stroke you
Lick me again, I stroke you
On my knees again, I own you.
Starved for this part of you I relish every flavor
Take you from warm to wet in this moment I savor...

And you crave her...

Panties soaked you reach up my skirt and slide them down
Use your hand to touch and realize in this you could drown
But you'd die a happy death and you yearn for what comes next
The entrance...

There Will Be Better

2010-04-14T11:52:00.005-04:00

There will be better men.
Men who will write melodies in my heart.
Men who will calm the quelling storm.
Men who will conquer the cold lonely nights and emit only their light...
But they won't be you.

There will be better men.
Men who won't lie, steal or cheat.
Men who value the honor of their word.
Men whose smile is as genuine as the verbs that preceded that action of satisfaction...
But they won't be you.

There will be better men.
Men who pay homage to my beauty.
Men who work hard to displace my frown.
Men who carry their armor to battle for love not hate and my fear will dissipate...
But they won't be you.

There will be better men.
Men whose poetry belongs solely to me
Men who think first of God, then US, then himself.
Men who portray a mirrored version of their soul and not some story he was told...to tell...again...
But they won't be you.

There will be better men.
Men whose journey through my life will leave seeds of hope and joy
Men whose purpose is to feed my own positive energy
Men whose eyes never lie or despise nor seek victory in my heart's demise...
But they won't be you.

There will be better men.
One man in particular who will embody all of the above
Whose love through compromise and promise will be sealed by a ring of unity and trust
Who will supply my heart's truest desire through the merging of our flesh and blood
But he won't be you.

I wonder if I'll hesitate before I say "I do."
I wonder if a part of my heart will be my "something blue"
I wonder if my something old will block my feelings for my "something new"
If so I wonder if he'll know I'm thinking "He's not you."

Love Is

2010-04-08T17:38:00.005-04:00

This seems to be the song everyone loves the most from me. This and this acapella joint I may post one day.

It's called love is, and I wrote it when I was heart broken.

Lyrics

I was walking love
With you on my mind
Time stood still my love
Just for me to smile
Can you believe that
You have and me have
Found each other intertwined?
You look at me and
I know you see what
What exactly is on my mind

Love is wonderful
Love is kind
Love is beautiful
And I know, I know because you're mine

I still remember love
The day you said hello
And we're still deep in this conversation
No need for hesitation
If they ask me, I'll tell them how I know
That you and me are
Meant to be I
I can feel it every time we kiss
You look at me and
I can't believe that
Love can really feel like this

Love is wonderful
Love is kind
Love is beautiful
And I know, I know because you're mine

You'd have to be blind not to see it
No faith to not believe it
Your energy this chemistry is obvious
You'd have to be dead not to feel it
I take that back 'cause you're in my spirit
And I love, not being in control

Your love is wonderful
Your love is kind
Your love is beautiful
And I know because you're mind

I was walking love,
With you on my mind...

See D Run

2010-03-22T17:20:00.000-04:00

See D dance.
See D smile.
See D flirt every once in a while.

See L watch.
See L wink.
See L walk over and buy D a drink.

See D blush.
See D be merry.
See D put her number into L's blackberry.

See L stall.
See L call.
See L forget to put his guard up and fall.

See D wait.
See D contemplate.
See D get wrapped up by their 13th date.

See L touch.
See L feel.
See L tell D "This is real"

See D trust.
See D praise.
See D plan for future days.

See L lie.
See L sweat.
See L gamble without a full deck.

See D discover.
See D react.
See D wish she could take her love back.

See L beg.
See L plead.
See L cry when D tries to leave.

See D agonize.
See D part.
See D run away with a broken heart.

Your song (unfinished I think)

2010-03-18T13:03:00.003-04:00

I can't get your song out of my head
I keep humming your memory subconsciously conjuring your energy to me
Peaceful in those moments I remember your melody and intricate harmonies
They blend in with my thoughts; create a soundtrack to my day
Sounds something like love, something like pain, something like anger, something like praise
Deep lows that resonate long after the note is played, that stay with me while the higher tones dance lightly through that space
Takes me back to that place, the one where we were in grace
And the rhythm matches my beating heart's pace
Your song is long. It has a beginning, a middle, but the ending seeks change
It always comes to me like a song I wrote
Only each time the writing has a different hope:
Continuity vs. Change, Freedom vs. Chains, Love vs. Escape.

Story ending.

2010-03-11T11:34:00.003-05:00

I dance close to a Jamaican with rhythm like mine,
Let the vibes that we're feeling clutter my mind
Foreign fingers move over a familiar place
Find the dips and valleys you used to trace
I close my eyes let the music lead my escape
For a moment I no longer feel the bundle of hate
I let go, let my hips roll, let his hands be in control
I sway against him and I can feel his energy start to grow..
And I know he knows I know...
But I can't help it if my curves beckon thoughts of intimacy
Should I deny myself this feeling b/c he's really feeling me?
I mean he's really feeling me, and to my surprise I kind of like it
First I hesitated then I thought, "girl why you even fighting it?"
You didn't fight it when you told her the words you said belonged to me
And I bet you didn't fight lying when she asked "who is she"
But you can't lie to me...wait, not again with this vent
I won't let thoughts of you ruin how I feel about his scent
Because now he's holding me around my waist
And I'm buried in his neck-such an intimate embrace
I barely know this person but I know his place
He's not a lifetime or a season but he is damn sure a reason
Because now when I see you I no longer get butterflies
Those wings got clipped or maybe the energy died
Or they're stuck in a tangled web of hurtful lies
Or moved on to the same song over a different beat
So I don't protest when he tells me that I taste so sweet
But don't worry; I won't let him play for keeps.
He won't even get the chance to really know me or adore me.
Because he's not a new beginning but the ending to your story

Climax

2010-03-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Men sometimes wonder why women hold on to men who are no good for them or no good in general...

Here's my take on the idiocy of even the most intelligent women:

Women love to climax.

Once you spark that feeling and it starts building....pulling out before we reach our destination is a cruel, wicked, evil thing to do.

What does that have to do with us staying emotionally glued to a dude who is incapable of giving us what we need?
At some point along the journey, Old Boy showed us (or tricked us into thinking) he had what it takes to get us to our emotional destination.
At some point of the journey, second date, twenty fifth conversation, 21st question...
He had us thinking he had the tools it took to take the ride we could give him.
So when this same passionate stallion ends up being a one trick pony it takes a lot for us to forget the image he had at some point painted for us.
Which is the real him? Is he really that horrible or is he just being lazy?
Did we do something that changed the game? Did his ADD kick in?

Just like during sex, men seem to be easily distracted. I say this because a man can start envisioning unsexy things in order to try to make the ride last longer.
A Woman? (Especially the passionate ones like me...) We're focused on the ride. We're focused on the movements and the connections and the steam and the pressure that's going to get us up that mountain to the peak we all seek.

And there again we can relate this scenario to our opposite sexes as we take our natural instincts and nurture each relationship (good or bad) trying to make it last and take us to that peak. So all these questions must be answered before we can finally let go.

At the very least during sex or during a relationship we need to feel that both parties gave it all they got. If it didn't work after that, if the chemistry is off, if the connection isn't there...no love lost.
But being with a lazy lover? An emotionally stunted partner?
It's the worst kind of torture.
And that need to climax makes us try everything to get him up that hill, past his premature ejaculations, over his fear of commitments, and into that climactic moment.

But what do I know...

I love him

2010-03-01T14:11:00.003-05:00

He looks at me with beautiful brown eyes that are just like mine
His whole little body's comforts and joys, expectations and needs found between our gaze
He holds me hostage with no chain. For him I'm a willing slave.
He coos orders; his cry is like a crystal bell I run to answer
For that one perfect smile in that one perfect moment in time
I'd run through Hell...
10 little perfect toes
1 little perfect nose
I call him my perfect gift; my Love's truest wish.
There is no better feeling than my beating heart comforting him into a deep sleep
His tiny hands resting on my chest
I'm spoiling him - I know.
I should lay him on his own, maybe run some errands while the time is my own.
But I'd rather stay in this zone.
Perfectly still I let the sound of his breathing secure my happiness.
These are the moments I'll miss when time marches him through his terrible twos, his confusing adolescence and his angry teenage years.
Time is so cruel. I close my eyes and pray that maybe these seconds can be longer than the rest.
Give me just a little more time to enjoy this.
As much as I want to stay in this quiet perfection, I want to wake him so I can see his eyes go bright at the sight of me.
I want to recognize his father's smile when his cheeks go up in innocent bliss.
No words spoken from his little mouth.
That's how I know love isn't something you receive with words...it's something you feel.
My being bursts with the love I feel for and from this tiny angel.
This perfect gift.
My Love's truest wish.

I don't have any kids but, it is my greatest wish to someday be a mom.

Spring

2010-02-16T11:20:00.002-05:00

I stare out the window wondering when the snow will melt. When will the skies change from gray to blue and the trees show shades of green welcoming chirping birds and playful squirrels? When will the array of colors rising from the ground inspire smiles again? I'm inpatient for the replacement of this harsh wind with a gentle breeze.

Boy Shorts. Tights. Socks. Pants. Bra. Tank. Sweater. Scarf. Down coat. Uggz. Ugh.
All this weight on my skin, on my spirit, on my eyes. Makes me sleepy and discontent...cranky.

I'm a winter baby with tropical blood; I need the sun.
I NEED the sun.

Bikinis. Bra. Sundress.
Light on my feet and in my heart I soar...the energy of the sun finds me, blinds me, revises my visions, nourishes my spirit.
I need that like white needs black...like skinny needs fat to be defined, one without the other causes the death of meaning in both.
But if I could I'd be forever without the cold and dwell only in the warmth

Then God touches me. Through the cold. Through the gray skies and the droopy eyes he shows me:
Spring is eternal; summer is within. The sun I seek is only a thought away.
Being a slave to external circumstances is to be held captive by invisible chains.
Close my eyes and allow Him to move through me and I can feel that Love only he knows of.
For a moment I'm in that place where sun meets sand meets ocean and the warmth of all three envelope me
"Remember Me," He says...
"Remember This."

I'll try.

Anymore

2010-02-12T10:12:00.006-05:00

I wrote this song...6 years ago. Incredible how it applies today. I'm not a singer, I'm a writer, but I can carry a tune. My friend has convinced me to post it (despite my better judgement).

Here we go!

Love Lockdown Part Deux

2010-02-09T13:05:00.001-05:00

Can't Wait

2010-02-08T16:11:00.005-05:00

He changed my heart from something that beat fast and ryhtmically to something that slows and pauses and stutters and breaks.
He changed my mood from being something like a lover's groove to being something like lover's lament - heavy as cement and just as impenetrable...
Blah blah BLAH!

Shiiiiiiit...
I can't wait.
I can't wait to dead all this woe-is-me nonsense and be focused on the "Whoa is me!" contest that is life.
Because this is life!
Shit happens, hits the fan, then you can eat it and die
I prefer to rise above it (I think that's how you learn how to fly)

I can't wait til I'm shouting "What Was I Thinking"
Loud and clear to the heavens and the air
With a smile on my face; shaking my head at my heart's distaste
Moving forward with leisurely strides unless I'm moving on my grind

I can't wait til I'm embarrassed at the memory of loving who you think you are
Like, what was I smoking that had me thinking I should lower my bar...that far?
Musta been some kind of dream I was having; had you in loving colors you don't have the capability to imagine
Yet alone emulate; Yep! Can't wait!
'Cause then I'll be living in a state where you're not even worth it to hate

I can not WAIT 'til the next man takes me by the hand and my first reaction isn't to relate him to quick sand
And my pulse starts racing as my heart beat speeds up; flutters lightly when I see it's his number that's making my phone light up
Ooooh that first smile, that first date, that first touch, that first kiss, that first....
Sin.

Or maybe that first blessing when we both pray to God for bringing a brand new US through the storms and the miseries and the collective "yous"
Now they're nothing but shadows lurking in our rear view...
But we don't rear-view; we only look forward
Having learned to share the driver and the passenger side; having faith enough in US to take that ride
"One wheel in the middle; both hands on it;" speeding off into tomorrow like there's no brakes on it

I can't wait 'til I'm back to the woman I've created and not the version you used until I felt dilapidated.
I can't wait 'til I see again that light; the one I dimmed because for you it was too bright
I can't wait to be finally free
I can't wait to get back to me

Two Sides of the Same Coin

2010-01-29T10:31:00.005-05:00

Flip
Flip
Flip
Heads I leave him cold no hello no goodbye no long kiss goodnight
Air and memories are the only things left of me
No touch of the skin no final caress no sounds of my voice
No beating of any dead horse

Flip
Flip
Flip
Tails I give him one final taste and lace it with love let it drip from my tongue
Warm kisses he'll miss and remember through distance and time
One last reason to sweat and purr and crave
One last moment of divine

Flip
Flip
Flip
Heads he doesn't deserve this gift; shouldn't submerge so quick
Into familiar pools of warm glory invaded by his untold story
You feed the needy; the greedy should be starved

Flip
Flip
Flip
Tails I deserve this fix; I reserve this right to mix up my emotions with my chemical needs
After all never will it be as honest an experience as the day after the lies
Everything out in the open; exposed; vulnerable.
Raw and real; take this me and feel
Feel
Feel

Flip
Should I
Flip
Use My
Flip
Head
Flip
Or
Flip
Tail?

Single Again

2010-01-21T11:15:00.001-05:00

Can't believe I'm single again
My plus one now a plus none
Plus no one cares as much as I do
As I do daily routines like breathing
Like eating and walking, all seems absurd
All seems to have been turned on its head
On his death bed I hope he remembers we
I hope he remembers me and my heart so big
My heart knows things his can't understand
But I can't understand how his don't sting
Don't think I'm gonna smile today or yesterday
And yes I may even crave his deceit; sweet lies
Greet eyes and the heart and mind
And mine were especially tasty to the soul
On the whole I guess time stood still
And I stood willing to take him in
Take his sin to see my place
Seed my grace and seal my fate
Seal this date in a calendar of ache
Of heartbreak and tears and realization of fears
Of years unhad - love aborted
Love contorted.....but I can't believe....
I'm single again.

Dream

2010-01-19T14:30:00.004-05:00

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
At least when it came to me
Labeled me the love of your life
Referring to me as your future wife
The mother of our future child
And you were what? The giver of my future smiles?
Crying your tears at the thought of us apart
"I loves yous" from your heart
- or so I thought....
Summertime confessions:
I was the inspiration to your verses...
I was the inspiration to this version...
of you.

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Every time it came to me
Pictures of us smiling and laughing
Long nights of bedroom/hotel/on-top-of-cars romancing
Holding hands on long drives or short ones
Kissing like it was the best way to express love
Touching like that was the purpose of touch
Electricity flowing through skin; igniting something within

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Especially when it came to me
Trips across the country, no need for me to take my wallet
Everything I wanted or needed, you got it.
Declarations of emotions boiling over into screams
Into tears, into passion, into you inside of me.
Soft whispers and adamant protests against me taking my heart away
Soft whispers and adamant demands that with you I stay
Soft whispers and adamant affirmations of your fidelity
Soft whispers and adamant reflections inside a fantasy

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Only when it came to me
Conversations about you wishing the biology of your daughter matched mine
Wishing I carried your lineage; that I was connected to your blood line
What a beautiful thought to share with someone you love
What a rarity in men to find someone so uncorrupt.

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Guess that's why you came to me
And my truth is nothing but your illusion
My love cradled precariously inside a delusion
She'll never know the truth of you and I
She'll never know the truth of your lie.
Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is mean..
And life is but a dream.

Can you hear me?

2010-01-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

I guess I spend too much time in the subway that my prayers to God had no reception; because I think he has yet to receive them. Got me looking up saying "can you hear me now" and checking my iTouch to see if there's an app for that. Or at least a map for that. I tried to reach out and touch someone but got burned by their heat....by their deceit. . .so I retreat?

Maybe my heart's on silent and I keep missing His call because I can't hear it over all the background noise. And its light is broken so no longer does it illuminate when someone tries to get You to me...I guess I'll just stare at its darkness and hope something comes through to me.

#9 Brand New (A female's response to Drake's Song)

2010-01-05T15:13:00.003-05:00

This here is on some truthful shit
Guys before you really couldn't handle it
Told you don't believe the haters they don't get
How you locked me down
Now you wear the crown
And I still think you're heaven sent
But damn, is this gonna last?
Not if you keep living in the rumors 'bout my past
Told you if you wanna know then I'm the one to ask
This is why we clash!

Love is something that I don't do.
I don't do, I don't do
But now I find myself in love with you
With you, With you, With you

This here is something personal
You and me are more than just compatible
Knowledge is freeing baby so I let you know
That I don't have to hide
I had another side
But if you wanna question me
Then damn, how can we move on
I can tell you're always thinking something's goin'on
Racing against yourself I guess that's why you feel alone
Don't you see that's wrong?

Now I find myself in love with you
With you, with you
'Cause everything you're doing's brand new
Brand new, brand new, brand new

Everything you're doing's brand new
Nothing that you're doing's too late

He never touched my heart and soul like this
He never pushed my buttons just like this
Doesn't even matter how long I used to make 'em wait
No one else can take your place

#8 To This Day

2009-12-30T10:12:00.005-05:00

To this day I say, "Welcome."
"Be free beyond your yesterday and suffer not from future consequences.
I hold you dear as a gift; as a collection of my past and a prequel to my tomorrows.
What clues will I spy on this eve to give me glimpses into next week's scenes?
And should I cry today, pray forgiveness in my moment of shallow self doubt.
After all that's really what crying is about."

To this day I say, "Thank you."
"With your ocean breezes and warm sun I don't deserve you but I'll take you.
I'll sift the sand between my fingers and feel the earths perfect balance
I'll let you surround my body with this spirit of completeness
I'll sit silent and let the waves sing freely, never interrupting the constant song
Or maybe I'll silently sing along."

To this day I say, "Goodbye love."
I won't be saddened by the end
I'll surrender to the blanket of night and take the darkness to be necessary for the coming light
Pray faithfully for the coming of the dawn, or the coming of His arms.
Perhaps they are the same thing, in which case I say,
"Welcome."

#7 Intuition

2009-12-29T16:05:00.004-05:00

I can't stand when men say,
But baby where's the proof?
I have no proof in the existence of God
But my faith tells me He is with me always
From that same source of faith is born my intuition
Never once has my intuition failed me.

My intuition has NEVER been wrong.
From the day he told me he picked up his sister and then went home
To the day that other he told me he was just chillin' at home alone
I knew then and then and then again
Each time starting arguments with no smoking gun, no bloody knife no...
Used condom...

Baby where's the proof?
It's in my soul, but ok you want proof then let's go!
Lets see your phone, your texts your replies,
Oh no, now I'm tripping? Thought you had nothing to hide?

My intuition has NEVER been wrong...
From the day the doctors told me I had cancer and I told my parents I had none.
Through the months of worry and tests and clear liquid diets.
Each day smiling through everyone else's storm...
They thought it centered over my head..but it was within them instead.

Neicy where's the proof?
It's in my spirit, but you ok you want proof then I'll give it!
Lets sample my blood, my liver my kidney
Lets cut me open and percocet my recovery
Lets hear the doctors say what I knew all along

My intuition is REAL and it's NEVER been wrong.

#6 of 30 Sometimes

2009-12-23T10:35:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I fantasize about jumping on the tracks
Not because I wanna die, I just really wanna fly
Separate my essence from the cage its housed
My soul is trapped by the desires of my body and
I wonder if I'd recognize my spirit without the flesh

Sometimes I think you of you when I'm staring at a stranger
I try to picture your thoughts in their head and
I wonder if I could love them instead
Or does it matter that I'm me and you're you
is that the only way for the message to come through?

Sometimes I cry when I'm happy and laugh when I'm sad
I dance when I'm miserable and stand completely still in contentment.

Sometimes I listen to your silence and try to understand
The rhythm between your sounds
I imagine how I'd dance to you if you were a song
It would probably be more like a choreographed stage production
Than a two step and a clap to the beat.
I guess, more or less...

Sometimes I picture you in 20 years
This version of the man you'd be
I wonder how you'd celebrate your anniversaries
How many new people call you "Dad" or maybe even "Pops" or "Grandpa"
Do you always have a dollar for the little one?
Is there love in your heart or unfulfilled dreams?
And does this new you include a new me?

Sometimes I dream.

#5 of 30

2009-12-21T11:47:00.003-05:00

Hello? Oh...hey baby....
You do? I miss you too honey
So whatchu doing right now?
I'm just laying down...
Of course you're on my mind
I was just remembering last time
*giggle* You remember too...
Yeah that's when I did that thing to you
Ok, well let me refresh your memory...
I stood you up in front of me
Slowly got down on my knees
Put my hand on your bulge and gave a gentle squeeze
Unbuckled your belt, undid your button and zipper
Pulled down your pants and your boxers, watched your lips quiver
Took that part of your body that throbbed for me
And kissed it with wet lips...softly and slowly
Used my tongue and soaked it from the shaft to the tip
Enclosed the base with my hands and parted my lips
Not too wide I still wanted you to feel the pressure
Just enough to get you warm, just enough to feel the pleasure
Alternating between licks and sucks I surrounded that dick
Used my palm to make sure you stayed nice and slick
Remember how you grabbed the back of my head and my hair?
And you stroked me deeply til I was gasping for air?
Then I laid you down on the bed and lay right beside you
Put you back in my mouth; different angle-different view
Slid you all the way inside, used my tongue and reached out
Felt you throb against my walls, like you were tryna bust out
Maybe you were tryna bust in me
So I found the rhythm that clearly
Made it feel more crazy
Til you said "Damn baby"
And that dam broke baby
I can still taste you on my tongue
As I swallowed every one
Then....what'd you say?
*giggles* fine...I'm on my way.

#4 of 30 Maybe...

2009-12-18T18:32:00.006-05:00

When he looks at me, touches me, engages me,
I think maybe
Maybe I could be beautiful
Maybe I could shine bright
Maybe I could dwell in something other than night

I'll be patient of course, and we'll see in time
If fast forward looks the same as rewind
Will his touch still cause my skin to excite
His words cause my broken heart to unite?
Can we make our dreams more like reality
Or is that love fiction; fantasy
Will he be able to touch me from my soul
Better yet will I be able to relinquish control
Believe that the words he speaks he means
Quiet my instincts deafening scream
Instincts born of pain and hurt
Where second chances meant twice burnt
Transcend our pasts and the drama that pollutes
Breathe in clarity and exhale truth
How refreshing it would be to fill my air
With love, with passion, with him, with care
And remove the hesitancy brought by fear

I'll give him all the warmth I possess
And with this heat my want will transgress
Boil over into the need that fuels our motion
Feeds my soul, that's his potion
That's his magic without the tricks
The real deal (I'm hoping) signed with a kiss
I'm hoping to get this
(And this kiss)
I'm hoping to feel this
(With this kiss)
I'm hoping to keep this
(Don't stop this)

#3 of 30 How Dare I?

2009-12-17T11:16:00.002-05:00

How dare I want what I want and expect to get?
Who am I to demand I be treated with respect?
How preposterous for me to give all that I am
And expect the same treatment from that man who's my man!?
Absurd for me to think that I should be treated
Like a Queen, like a woman who's special and needed
I should take what he gives and be gracious for all
"Oh thank you for this once a week 2 minute phone call!"
I should take what he writes me as all that I need
Why should he prove it with actions and deeds?
I should be happy, I have my own lap to ride
Fuck my desires, my conscious, my pride
I'll just smile and choke back my feelings of contempt
Why cry? In the end I will always accept
Arguing is futile, and ungragetful, and cruel
It only gives the pain such unneeded fuel
That fire burns brightly, can't you feel its heat?
So I'll throw in the towel, accept defeat.
Love, you jerk, being stronger than all
Now impossible to stand after that awful fall

But....maybe if I kiss him the way that he likes
And make him feel special and needed and desired
He'll give me the basics of what I hold sublime
Like patience, understanding, his presence, his time.
Sad really all I desire is to make him feel good and smile
And to have this reciprocated without me asking 10 times.
I want to submit to this man that I adore,
But I'm not here to carry out his menial chores...
At least not as chores, but as labors of choice
And without me having to give up or lose my voice
I'm proud of my strength, my beauty, my class
I will NOT be reduced to a maid and a peice of ass.
I WILL clean his house, make his dinner, raise his children
But not if these needs in my heart remains missing.

#2 of 30 (Untitled)

2009-12-16T15:20:00.002-05:00

She loved him with agony
Sweet agony
The kind that escalated to ecstacy and then 180'd its way back to the pain
She knew that getting through the blows would eventually bring her again
To that place...where she can recognize his face
She suffered the lies to convince herself that tragedy was romantic
That knowing anguish was the only way to appreciate ecstatic
Foolish heart drowning in tears
Completely unaware
That the high it so eagerly seeked
Was way beyond her sinking reach
So sank she did and that heart once certain of its path
Lost the vision of tomorrow by the weight of her past

#1 of 30 (Twoetry)

2009-12-15T10:56:00.004-05:00

I open my mind through this keyboard and out tumbles the raw, it
Seeps through the background noise 'til it finds its target
Often unconvinced of my own sincerity I chirp - sorry- tweet
Until someone finds their own truth through my words and adds an "RT"
I guess that validates me
Other times I close my hand over this mouse and click my way through
I find verses in conversations that should really be between two
Yet my eyes, your eyes, and the eyes of the intended
Flow greedily over their truth and find ways to bend it
Like Bekham
Or like some mechanical dummy
I transform these words into melodies
Hum them, chant them, recant them for fiends
We add a pound to a phrase and patent our genius
And all this feeds us
All day long
Guess following these @s is like following a song
Only way to find creativity since Internet killed the radio star
Oops! Sorry, Video killed the radio star...
So what's responsible for the death of song in our hearts?
I guess it's been too long since we loved that hard
And the absence of it's presence made our minds go wander
Like this poetry it's searching for a meaning, but it's under-
Cooked, under-fed, under-read, under-nourished
Fuck it. By #30 I'll be ready, and I'll flourish.