2011 Unfinished

I told myself 2011 was going to be a Johnson & Johnson year
What I meant is there were to be "no more tears"
I guess I should have included the hope of "no more fears"
As I think about it, I was really asking for "no more cares"
But I care too much.....fear too much
And I loved beyond his ability to reciprocate that much
That means I loved beyond his means
The result was a bunch of scattered dreams,
Over-grown emotions clothed in apathy: tattered seams.
Would be best to leave but hard to see that really happening
Even with so little left to burn he's still playing with matches
I throw blame: but he never catches it; barely reacts to it
Reason and Rationality cloaked as friends banging on my common sense, but I turn my back to it
...and get back to it.

2012 Unfinished

I don't think I ever woke up next to you and felt safe
Fuzzy from the smoking and the drinking, sore and satisfied from the sex?  Yes
Like your arms could block out the rain, protect me from pain, keep me in that zone? No.
Clarity always brings regret
So I spend endless strokes trying to forget.
Intense moments of happiness where I laugh and we kiss and I know something very close to bliss
You're a firework, so full of energy and color but after that *CLAP,* the moment is over and it's back to black

I will love you.

I will love you. 

And when you feel like being light

I will bask in your glow

And when you feel like being dark

I will not cast light on your shadow

But when you are dark and want to be light

I will battle until you get there.

In your happiness, I can be content

But so in your sadness, I will not judge you

I will not ask you to change to be the version of you I love most

I will love each variance with equal passion

And do for each what is needed

For you have accepted my beauty as well as my beast. 

This, of all things, is the greatest gift anyone can give or receive in love.

I will not ask you to change

I will not ask you to hide

I will not ask you to suppress 

I will not close my eyes to any of your sides.

I will stare into your corners and never falter

I will not feel shame for you. 

When the truth is bare and exposed I will not look away.

I won't pretend you're perfect or make excuses for your pain. 

When there's nothing left to strip away or do,

Enveloped in this raw honesty, 

This is how I will choose to love you. 

Don't Get It Twisted

I wonder if you think you're my only drunk dial

My only option to go shopping or my only problem child

The last dick I sucked or the last mind I fucked 

I wonder if you out here thinking you got all the luck 

It would be a shame to be that ignorant to think I can't be over it

Or that you got all the control in it

'Cause you're the only one standing emotionless  

I told you this

I been hurt by worse than any asshole u can invent

So my tolerance is negative and your purpose ain't that complex

So no I won't be that upset 

If the sexting turns into neglect

You're replaceable in this part I gave you

The understudy of someone I imagined; you're not even playing you

You only act the part of the man I want in this scene 

And it's just a supporting role boo; I'm the only lead. 

Another Again

This sin...
Started out with us just reminiscing
But ended up with us mostly kissing
Mostly feeling like a thing that was missing
Was found
Like I'm whole when you're around
Or Bound
(uh-huh honey)
And it wasn't about love, you, or us
No, this was selfish but still deeper than lust
A man who would cheat can't be trusted with trust
And trust is a must if I'm even considering love
The same for the woman; it's not a victimless crime
Only 2 wrongdoers but 3 will do time
One dick, two clits,
Three hearts, four tits.
And I can't do the math to understand this shit
All I know is the way it feels when I'm under your spell
It's almost worth the heavy cost of this ticket to hell
First class, yelling "fuck it"
So you did, and I loved it.
I wish simple felt this good
And that I wasn't allergic to doing the things I should
Like I should ignore your call and texts...
Say no to sex.
But my eyes get watery when I try
This is turning into one long goodbye
Well, goodbye again
Maybe this time try to be friends
But we both know how that would end.
...and then end and end again.

Unblocking #1

I'm in a rush and I must get past this feeling that's been stealing all the thunder and the lightning from the storms. I'm not used to staring at gray skies for so long without a drop of rain just the dull pain or the numb that comes from not wanting to burn or yearn. I'm filled with empty but it's thick and heavy; how can nothing stop something from occupying this space. It's a waste. Something died but wasn't buried. Something reeks of bleak. Searched every corner of my soul for the decay but the empty blocks my way.

Leftovers: Part 1

***

almost didn't post this one. First because I didn't want to give any of my former "hims" the satisfaction.  Then because I was concerned with what people would think. How they would judge my heart; the way I love.  But then I thought, this is me. I don't have to apologize or explain who I am. You fuck with me or you don't. This is how I express myself. This is how I purge. This is how I let go. I gotta say, most of the men in my past obviously weren't good for much...except they've given me this extraordinary desire to express myself poetically.  So for that i say, "Thanks fuckers." 

Eloquent, I know.

***

I tried.
I tried to love you past the lies. Past the pain; past the tears.
Past the fact that I've been losing myself slowly for years.
Fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I could see the train coming but still stand on the tracks?
Lucy holding a football and Charlie Brown keeps coming back..
Yes love, it felt like a heart attack.
Bent myself into painful shapes trying to fit into a tiny space called denial
No clue why, not like in our future was me in a white dress and u at the end of an aisle
Felt like Neo learning the truth about the matrix; there is no spoon
And when it came to thoughts of love, there is no food
Coming to terms with the truth that I loved you every day
And you never felt the same way
If I could use your words to thread into a blanket of love
It'd be big enough to cover the world, but not enough warmth to shelter one.
So now I try to tell myself it wasn't real
Not the things you said or the way I feel
Phantom pain; how can I miss something I never had?
How can I conjure up memories of good from something 100% bad?
I'm not concerned with you playing me publicly; my ego never needed the stroke
You flaunting that bitch blatantly is just more mirrors and smoke
I'm secure enough to know that she aint got shit to do with me,
But smart enough to understand if love was real there would be no she.
Just a You and an I; you drive, I'll ride. I drive, you'll fly.
I don't usually get high; not really into drugs
But you, I would inhale deep into my lungs
Made my memory foggy and set my skin on fire
The reign of your passion quenching an unknown desire
Speeding through my veins
Dulling out the pain
......Wait, how did I end up on the topic of drugs?
Artificial highs, I guess that's the topic of us.
I guess I'm lucky to have survived the train wreck
But fuck you for even having me in that shit to begin with.
Asshole.