Work In Progress

Turned off twitter and turned on Tweet.
Let her music heal my soul while I sighed to the beat
Reminisce on the one that got away who I love no less today
Fast forward to the replacement killers that came after his reign
A bunch of pretty faces and slick charm
Wolves in transparent sheep's garb, doing less good and more harm
Each a dissonant melody, destroying my energy;
I set each song to fire in effigy....
Sit and watch the ashes blend.
And as the fire burns and the smoke clears I mourn him and not them
Check my text, see a message from the next who's promising he wants to love me past the passion and the sex.....
Close my eyes and try to plan my moves like I have no regrets
Like I haven't been promised that before only to end up with my eyes all wet
Heart all in distress
Flat lined so many times I must  have nine lives under this chest
Back to the text.....
I try to answer with no passive aggressiveness
Too many times I respond with the anger over a former mess
Frustration and pain have overstayed their un-welcome like uninvited guests
The assholes just stick around like a bunch of low-lives loitering
And I can't tell if the walls that surround my heart are meant to keep them out or me in
Doesn't really matter because the end result is by blocking out the rain I also can't feel the sun
And if I continue to live like this then all those wolves have won
...Nah. I'm not having that shit.
So I'm making a vow to tear these walls down brick by motherfucking brick.
....Oh wait, I forgot about the text...
I clear my thoughts and my heart and I type back "Yes....
Just know that sometimes I might get a little crazy, tired and complex,
And I'm not ashamed to tell you I'm a work in progress."

Until the Song Ends

Kiss me until the song ends
Breathe me in deep and breathe me out weak.
Pleasure over matter
Like what's the matter with my soul that I can't let go of his abuse and embrace your truth
Like does it matter that I haven't given myself like this to anyone but him in longer than I'd care to admit
I pull back and catch up with my senses for a bit
I find myself living by rules I never set, all to avoid regret, thus ensuring my regret.
If I never try, I'll never have, and if I don't get on this plane I'll never fly
You're a different kind of pilot than I'm used to.
I've seen purple clouds before, but the ones you show me resemble the white puffy comfort usually used to depict angels lounging.
I inhale the hookah and try to remember what it was like to get high with him
Before the pain, but after the sin
But I can't remember the way he used to hold me in the dark
I can't find him anywhere in my heart
Still I stand frozen on this line between the zones
Calling you my friend, but you're the reason I never feel alone
Scared to take a leap, but didn't you hold my hand and help me to my feet?
Didn't you make me laugh before I remembered how to smile?
Didn't you wait for me while I went through those tribulations and trials?
*sigh*
When do I say yes?
When do your lips find their way to just below my hips?
When do I let you inside, when I'm both hot AND bothered?
Without blocking my heart; giving you both instead of one or the other
I vaguely hear the bridge as your lips graze the most sensitive part of everywhere...
When did I turn my back to you, and how did you know to kiss me there?
The chorus swells again in the background and I feel my eyes close then roll back
I feel the grip I had on my tumultuous past begin to relax
So kiss me slow until the song ends
And maybe this time when I feel the knock, I'll let you in...

Untitled

The spotlight never made me nervous
But a chic like me always needs a purpose
And after experiencing a season, there was no reason for a lifetime
He's telling me to reconsider but "goodbye" never has a right time
Then I met a guy who immediately recognized the value of my heart
Appraised me from day one as something in need of a better start
He said "I understand why he never wanted to let you go
But I'm glad that decision wasn't in his control
And if you give me half a chance I can be a better man for you"
Then he took my hand and showed me what a man could do
Damn
Too bad I wasn't ready for the blessing I asked for
Too busy looking back at a closed door..
Always wondering if less could have become more.
But looking back is the reason that I lost more....

It's Complicated

I'm thinking of buying you a shirt that says  "I'm single but my girlfriend isn't"
Because every now and then you get a little restless and say "maybe we should end it"
But in the space between the make-ups you're out doing your thing
And only come back when the light I always leave on for you starts to dim
Recharge the battery in my back with "I've been loving you too long to stop now"
Then against my better judgement I'm back giving you everything just short of a vow
Still the love I have for you grows deeper every day
I just don't want to lose who I am for loving you that way
And I've loved you since the days when summer meant we got to be lazy
Since things like "Do you wanna be my girlfriend, circle yes, no or maybe"
Over ten years and my heart still beats for you
But do you appreciate all the things you put me through?
Everything has always been your way or the highway
So I got used to living in a world where things are never my way
How many women would still love a man they met as a boy?
And how do I know for sure you just don't think I'm your toy?
Your good girl, who loves you and would never give it up
How do I know if you're giving your all, or just what you think is enough?
Big girls don't cry, but grown men they certainly lie
And our response by being a lady means we should hold it all inside
Sometimes I convince myself that I could really get up and go
As a matter of fact I think it's the only way I'm ever going to grow
But you've been my best friend and our history is deep
I just wish I really knew if you were playing for keeps.

Didn't I Just Write This?

Somehow I lost my voice in a mess of thoughts
Writers block born from writers remorse -
Fun fantasies make it easy on your eyes
But who would want to know what's really going on inside?
Too personal, too deep. Measured emotions in 140 character tweets.
Hundreds of eyes and my vulnerability meet;
And my strength gets confused with your weak.
So I'll be labeled and judged by the things that I write,
Like I'm a sucker for love and good dick and sleepless nights
And honestly that's not even distorting reality,
But it only speaks to three of my multiple personalities
A bitch, a freak, a sweetheart, a geek
More that you'll only know if you choose to seek
Til then I'm forced to leak
Watch my eyes get puffy and wet
Sunglasses hiding my regret
Tight pussy and a big heart, a gift and a curse
Shoulda given me your best but you showed me your worst
I've dated you too many times but you go by different names
And the lies and the promises are always the same
There's nothing special about the way you break my heart
Nothing unique about the way you tried to tear me apart
Nothing new about the subject of this poetry and prose
You're just another side of the same coin like a dream I wrote
Predicable as the cycle of the moon or clockwork;
And I admit I'd hoped you'd prove me wrong
But you're incapable of anything more than slight work
And thus here's the ending of our love song.

*Curtains*

The Antidote; The Drug

I had it all fucked up.
I forgot love was supposed to be the antidote and not the drug
Wasn't supposed to have me strung out, making bad decisions just to get another hit.
Shit.
And who was I to think I could inhale until the room spun
I mean fuck him til we both numb
I mean suck him til he's all done

You were my playful poison
Toxic words permeating my blood stream til I needed them to breathe
Each time I'd try to quit you'd force a stronger dose
Often mixing the words with the injections - and these I craved the most.
I sigh out a lethargic "what is this I'm feeling" while you pump me full of measured deception
"It's love, baby" and you push deep until I forget this is only your intended perception
And you bury that knowledge with a stroke that's been practiced to perfection

Every time I see you I'm hoping you fill me up
And you, my supplier, gave me just enough love, I mean, just enough drug
Just enough you to make me think there would always be an us
Strung out with a perfect smile...invisible track marks - no needles necessary
Was supposed to be recreational but now I'm laced til my heart ended up in a mortuary
But I feel buried alive, not dead inside
Actually praying for the cold to cover my soul so nothing burns with frustration or desire
Because chasing a high that doesn't exist creates an unquenchable fire

But love is supposed to be the antidote, not the drug
I'm not supposed to break out in a cold sweat when I'm missing your hug
And you'll just sit there cool, calm, collected; smug
While I stand in the street losing my voice from screaming at the top of my lungs
But it's more like a whisper because I'm weak from the blow
And I'm trying to find the energy to just say no.

Making it Hard for Me

You're making it hard for me

My lips are set to say no, and I do
But what was once a yell becomes a whisper and I can't hear my one little word of dismissal over the sound of your persistence.
Still I'm...putting up a resistance.
Ignoring the love, I focus on the anger
I let go of our "before" and I focus on the after
Because my happiness before I learned the truth meant nothing after he made me cry
After beautiful promises made way to ugly lies
...keep telling myself to "hold on to goodbye"
But my thoughts spin and become jumbled and the only thing that's clear
Is you.
Here.
In my face telling me I'm beautiful and impossible to forget
Kissing whispers in my ears causing a tightening in my chest
My answer remains "no" even if a question wasn't asked of me
Even if a statement was made about how your love was for eternity
"No."
I hold on to the two letters like they could save my life
Like they could be my weapon to destroy any vision I had of being your wife
But my voice is shaking and my eyes can't stay still
And even when I tell you "don't touch me," you will
I tell you to stop but your hand is on my face
And your lips find their place
And my heart falls from grace...

....and you're making it hard for me
I turn away and fight the urge to touch you back
Call the bartender over and order a little ginger and a lot of jack
As I drink I wish it would make the light I see in you fade to black
But it just blurs the lines and loosens my lips
Your hand rests on my thigh and with every sip, I drip
You plead with me to ignore reason and logic and follow my heart
"Don't let bullshit like this tear us apart"
Right.
The bartender visits a few more times before the end of the night
I stand up to leave but you're holding on to me tight
Walk me over to the back away from the crowd and the loud
Kiss me slowly like that was allowed.
Like I gave you permission to grab my waist
To consume my energy like it was candy to taste
And how dare my eyes be closed and my body limp
And why is it all I can feel now is a throb, and a drip...
And of course....
You.
Here.
Making it hard for me..

I feel the strength in your conviction pressed up against my dress
"N...Yes"
I mean your tongue is on my neck and your hand is on my breast
"Yes."
I mean my leg is wrapping around your waist, begging for what's next
"Yes."
I mean you grab my thigh pushing me against the wall giving me more and taking no less
"Yes."
I mean I lost the crowd and if you wanted to take it now I'd give in to this mess
"Yes."
I mean I want you to tap into that anger from all the afters and fuck me until I release this stress
"Yes."
I mean you're telling me you love me, I'm you're only and I'm the best
"Yes."
Because there is no rest
"Yes"
 "It's real baby, you don't have to question or guess"
"Yes"

Now I'm just a warm puddle of submission
Trying to forget to remember any of your omissions
I want to stay but I need to leave
I reach down and feel how you're making it hard...for...me