Leftovers: Part 1

***

almost didn't post this one. First because I didn't want to give any of my former "hims" the satisfaction.  Then because I was concerned with what people would think. How they would judge my heart; the way I love.  But then I thought, this is me. I don't have to apologize or explain who I am. You fuck with me or you don't. This is how I express myself. This is how I purge. This is how I let go. I gotta say, most of the men in my past obviously weren't good for much...except they've given me this extraordinary desire to express myself poetically.  So for that i say, "Thanks fuckers." 

Eloquent, I know.

***

I tried.
I tried to love you past the lies. Past the pain; past the tears.
Past the fact that I've been losing myself slowly for years.
Fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I could see the train coming but still stand on the tracks?
Lucy holding a football and Charlie Brown keeps coming back..
Yes love, it felt like a heart attack.
Bent myself into painful shapes trying to fit into a tiny space called denial
No clue why, not like in our future was me in a white dress and u at the end of an aisle
Felt like Neo learning the truth about the matrix; there is no spoon
And when it came to thoughts of love, there is no food
Coming to terms with the truth that I loved you every day
And you never felt the same way
If I could use your words to thread into a blanket of love
It'd be big enough to cover the world, but not enough warmth to shelter one.
So now I try to tell myself it wasn't real
Not the things you said or the way I feel
Phantom pain; how can I miss something I never had?
How can I conjure up memories of good from something 100% bad?
I'm not concerned with you playing me publicly; my ego never needed the stroke
You flaunting that bitch blatantly is just more mirrors and smoke
I'm secure enough to know that she aint got shit to do with me,
But smart enough to understand if love was real there would be no she.
Just a You and an I; you drive, I'll ride. I drive, you'll fly.
I don't usually get high; not really into drugs
But you, I would inhale deep into my lungs
Made my memory foggy and set my skin on fire
The reign of your passion quenching an unknown desire
Speeding through my veins
Dulling out the pain
......Wait, how did I end up on the topic of drugs?
Artificial highs, I guess that's the topic of us.
I guess I'm lucky to have survived the train wreck
But fuck you for even having me in that shit to begin with.
Asshole.