Leftovers: Part 1

***

almost didn't post this one. First because I didn't want to give any of my former "hims" the satisfaction.  Then because I was concerned with what people would think. How they would judge my heart; the way I love.  But then I thought, this is me. I don't have to apologize or explain who I am. You fuck with me or you don't. This is how I express myself. This is how I purge. This is how I let go. I gotta say, most of the men in my past obviously weren't good for much...except they've given me this extraordinary desire to express myself poetically.  So for that i say, "Thanks fuckers." 

Eloquent, I know.

***

I tried.
I tried to love you past the lies. Past the pain; past the tears.
Past the fact that I've been losing myself slowly for years.
Fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I could see the train coming but still stand on the tracks?
Lucy holding a football and Charlie Brown keeps coming back..
Yes love, it felt like a heart attack.
Bent myself into painful shapes trying to fit into a tiny space called denial
No clue why, not like in our future was me in a white dress and u at the end of an aisle
Felt like Neo learning the truth about the matrix; there is no spoon
And when it came to thoughts of love, there is no food
Coming to terms with the truth that I loved you every day
And you never felt the same way
If I could use your words to thread into a blanket of love
It'd be big enough to cover the world, but not enough warmth to shelter one.
So now I try to tell myself it wasn't real
Not the things you said or the way I feel
Phantom pain; how can I miss something I never had?
How can I conjure up memories of good from something 100% bad?
I'm not concerned with you playing me publicly; my ego never needed the stroke
You flaunting that bitch blatantly is just more mirrors and smoke
I'm secure enough to know that she aint got shit to do with me,
But smart enough to understand if love was real there would be no she.
Just a You and an I; you drive, I'll ride. I drive, you'll fly.
I don't usually get high; not really into drugs
But you, I would inhale deep into my lungs
Made my memory foggy and set my skin on fire
The reign of your passion quenching an unknown desire
Speeding through my veins
Dulling out the pain
......Wait, how did I end up on the topic of drugs?
Artificial highs, I guess that's the topic of us.
I guess I'm lucky to have survived the train wreck
But fuck you for even having me in that shit to begin with.
Asshole.

Work In Progress

Turned off twitter and turned on Tweet.
Let her music heal my soul while I sighed to the beat
Reminisce on the one that got away who I love no less today
Fast forward to the replacement killers that came after his reign
A bunch of pretty faces and slick charm
Wolves in transparent sheep's garb, doing less good and more harm
Each a dissonant melody, destroying my energy;
I set each song to fire in effigy....
Sit and watch the ashes blend.
And as the fire burns and the smoke clears I mourn him and not them
Check my text, see a message from the next who's promising he wants to love me past the passion and the sex.....
Close my eyes and try to plan my moves like I have no regrets
Like I haven't been promised that before only to end up with my eyes all wet
Heart all in distress
Flat lined so many times I must  have nine lives under this chest
Back to the text.....
I try to answer with no passive aggressiveness
Too many times I respond with the anger over a former mess
Frustration and pain have overstayed their un-welcome like uninvited guests
The assholes just stick around like a bunch of low-lives loitering
And I can't tell if the walls that surround my heart are meant to keep them out or me in
Doesn't really matter because the end result is by blocking out the rain I also can't feel the sun
And if I continue to live like this then all those wolves have won
...Nah. I'm not having that shit.
So I'm making a vow to tear these walls down brick by motherfucking brick.
....Oh wait, I forgot about the text...
I clear my thoughts and my heart and I type back "Yes....
Just know that sometimes I might get a little crazy, tired and complex,
And I'm not ashamed to tell you I'm a work in progress."

Until the Song Ends

Kiss me until the song ends
Breathe me in deep and breathe me out weak.
Pleasure over matter
Like what's the matter with my soul that I can't let go of his abuse and embrace your truth
Like does it matter that I haven't given myself like this to anyone but him in longer than I'd care to admit
I pull back and catch up with my senses for a bit
I find myself living by rules I never set, all to avoid regret, thus ensuring my regret.
If I never try, I'll never have, and if I don't get on this plane I'll never fly
You're a different kind of pilot than I'm used to.
I've seen purple clouds before, but the ones you show me resemble the white puffy comfort usually used to depict angels lounging.
I inhale the hookah and try to remember what it was like to get high with him
Before the pain, but after the sin
But I can't remember the way he used to hold me in the dark
I can't find him anywhere in my heart
Still I stand frozen on this line between the zones
Calling you my friend, but you're the reason I never feel alone
Scared to take a leap, but didn't you hold my hand and help me to my feet?
Didn't you make me laugh before I remembered how to smile?
Didn't you wait for me while I went through those tribulations and trials?
*sigh*
When do I say yes?
When do your lips find their way to just below my hips?
When do I let you inside, when I'm both hot AND bothered?
Without blocking my heart; giving you both instead of one or the other
I vaguely hear the bridge as your lips graze the most sensitive part of everywhere...
When did I turn my back to you, and how did you know to kiss me there?
The chorus swells again in the background and I feel my eyes close then roll back
I feel the grip I had on my tumultuous past begin to relax
So kiss me slow until the song ends
And maybe this time when I feel the knock, I'll let you in...

Untitled

The spotlight never made me nervous
But a chic like me always needs a purpose
And after experiencing a season, there was no reason for a lifetime
He's telling me to reconsider but "goodbye" never has a right time
Then I met a guy who immediately recognized the value of my heart
Appraised me from day one as something in need of a better start
He said "I understand why he never wanted to let you go
But I'm glad that decision wasn't in his control
And if you give me half a chance I can be a better man for you"
Then he took my hand and showed me what a man could do
Damn
Too bad I wasn't ready for the blessing I asked for
Too busy looking back at a closed door..
Always wondering if less could have become more.
But looking back is the reason that I lost more....

It's Complicated

I'm thinking of buying you a shirt that says  "I'm single but my girlfriend isn't"
Because every now and then you get a little restless and say "maybe we should end it"
But in the space between the make-ups you're out doing your thing
And only come back when the light I always leave on for you starts to dim
Recharge the battery in my back with "I've been loving you too long to stop now"
Then against my better judgement I'm back giving you everything just short of a vow
Still the love I have for you grows deeper every day
I just don't want to lose who I am for loving you that way
And I've loved you since the days when summer meant we got to be lazy
Since things like "Do you wanna be my girlfriend, circle yes, no or maybe"
Over ten years and my heart still beats for you
But do you appreciate all the things you put me through?
Everything has always been your way or the highway
So I got used to living in a world where things are never my way
How many women would still love a man they met as a boy?
And how do I know for sure you just don't think I'm your toy?
Your good girl, who loves you and would never give it up
How do I know if you're giving your all, or just what you think is enough?
Big girls don't cry, but grown men they certainly lie
And our response by being a lady means we should hold it all inside
Sometimes I convince myself that I could really get up and go
As a matter of fact I think it's the only way I'm ever going to grow
But you've been my best friend and our history is deep
I just wish I really knew if you were playing for keeps.

Didn't I Just Write This?

Somehow I lost my voice in a mess of thoughts
Writers block born from writers remorse -
Fun fantasies make it easy on your eyes
But who would want to know what's really going on inside?
Too personal, too deep. Measured emotions in 140 character tweets.
Hundreds of eyes and my vulnerability meet;
And my strength gets confused with your weak.
So I'll be labeled and judged by the things that I write,
Like I'm a sucker for love and good dick and sleepless nights
And honestly that's not even distorting reality,
But it only speaks to three of my multiple personalities
A bitch, a freak, a sweetheart, a geek
More that you'll only know if you choose to seek
Til then I'm forced to leak
Watch my eyes get puffy and wet
Sunglasses hiding my regret
Tight pussy and a big heart, a gift and a curse
Shoulda given me your best but you showed me your worst
I've dated you too many times but you go by different names
And the lies and the promises are always the same
There's nothing special about the way you break my heart
Nothing unique about the way you tried to tear me apart
Nothing new about the subject of this poetry and prose
You're just another side of the same coin like a dream I wrote
Predicable as the cycle of the moon or clockwork;
And I admit I'd hoped you'd prove me wrong
But you're incapable of anything more than slight work
And thus here's the ending of our love song.

*Curtains*