Spring

I stare out the window wondering when the snow will melt. When will the skies change from gray to blue and the trees show shades of green welcoming chirping birds and playful squirrels? When will the array of colors rising from the ground inspire smiles again? I'm inpatient for the replacement of this harsh wind with a gentle breeze.

Boy Shorts. Tights. Socks. Pants. Bra. Tank. Sweater. Scarf. Down coat. Uggz. Ugh.
All this weight on my skin, on my spirit, on my eyes. Makes me sleepy and discontent...cranky.

I'm a winter baby with tropical blood; I need the sun.
I NEED the sun.

Bikinis. Bra. Sundress.
Light on my feet and in my heart I soar...the energy of the sun finds me, blinds me, revises my visions, nourishes my spirit.
I need that like white needs black...like skinny needs fat to be defined, one without the other causes the death of meaning in both.
But if I could I'd be forever without the cold and dwell only in the warmth

Then God touches me. Through the cold. Through the gray skies and the droopy eyes he shows me:
Spring is eternal; summer is within. The sun I seek is only a thought away.
Being a slave to external circumstances is to be held captive by invisible chains.
Close my eyes and allow Him to move through me and I can feel that Love only he knows of.
For a moment I'm in that place where sun meets sand meets ocean and the warmth of all three envelope me
"Remember Me," He says...
"Remember This."

I'll try.

Anymore

I wrote this song...6 years ago. Incredible how it applies today. I'm not a singer, I'm a writer, but I can carry a tune. My friend has convinced me to post it (despite my better judgement).

Here we go!

Love Lockdown Part Deux

Can't Wait

He changed my heart from something that beat fast and ryhtmically to something that slows and pauses and stutters and breaks.
He changed my mood from being something like a lover's groove to being something like lover's lament - heavy as cement and just as impenetrable...
Blah blah BLAH!

Shiiiiiiit...
I can't wait.
I can't wait to dead all this woe-is-me nonsense and be focused on the "Whoa is me!" contest that is life.
Because this is life!
Shit happens, hits the fan, then you can eat it and die
I prefer to rise above it (I think that's how you learn how to fly)


I can't wait til I'm shouting "What Was I Thinking"
Loud and clear to the heavens and the air
With a smile on my face; shaking my head at my heart's distaste
Moving forward with leisurely strides unless I'm moving on my grind

I can't wait til I'm embarrassed at the memory of loving who you think you are
Like, what was I smoking that had me thinking I should lower my bar...that far?
Musta been some kind of dream I was having; had you in loving colors you don't have the capability to imagine
Yet alone emulate; Yep! Can't wait!
'Cause then I'll be living in a state where you're not even worth it to hate

I can not WAIT 'til the next man takes me by the hand and my first reaction isn't to relate him to quick sand
And my pulse starts racing as my heart beat speeds up; flutters lightly when I see it's his number that's making my phone light up
Ooooh that first smile, that first date, that first touch, that first kiss, that first....
Sin.

Or maybe that first blessing when we both pray to God for bringing a brand new US through the storms and the miseries and the collective "yous"
Now they're nothing but shadows lurking in our rear view...
But we don't rear-view; we only look forward
Having learned to share the driver and the passenger side; having faith enough in US to take that ride
"One wheel in the middle; both hands on it;" speeding off into tomorrow like there's no brakes on it

I can't wait 'til I'm back to the woman I've created and not the version you used until I felt dilapidated.
I can't wait 'til I see again that light; the one I dimmed because for you it was too bright
I can't wait to be finally free
I can't wait to get back to me

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Flip
Flip
Flip
Heads I leave him cold no hello no goodbye no long kiss goodnight
Air and memories are the only things left of me
No touch of the skin no final caress no sounds of my voice
No beating of any dead horse

Flip
Flip
Flip
Tails I give him one final taste and lace it with love let it drip from my tongue
Warm kisses he'll miss and remember through distance and time
One last reason to sweat and purr and crave
One last moment of divine

Flip
Flip
Flip
Heads he doesn't deserve this gift; shouldn't submerge so quick
Into familiar pools of warm glory invaded by his untold story
You feed the needy; the greedy should be starved


Flip
Flip
Flip
Tails I deserve this fix; I reserve this right to mix up my emotions with my chemical needs
After all never will it be as honest an experience as the day after the lies
Everything out in the open; exposed; vulnerable.
Raw and real; take this me and feel
Feel
Feel

Flip
Should I
Flip
Use My
Flip
Head
Flip
Or
Flip
Tail?

Single Again

Can't believe I'm single again
My plus one now a plus none
Plus no one cares as much as I do
As I do daily routines like breathing
Like eating and walking, all seems absurd
All seems to have been turned on its head
On his death bed I hope he remembers we
I hope he remembers me and my heart so big
My heart knows things his can't understand
But I can't understand how his don't sting
Don't think I'm gonna smile today or yesterday
And yes I may even crave his deceit; sweet lies
Greet eyes and the heart and mind
And mine were especially tasty to the soul
On the whole I guess time stood still
And I stood willing to take him in
Take his sin to see my place
Seed my grace and seal my fate
Seal this date in a calendar of ache
Of heartbreak and tears and realization of fears
Of years unhad - love aborted
Love contorted.....but I can't believe....
I'm single again.

Dream

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
At least when it came to me
Labeled me the love of your life
Referring to me as your future wife
The mother of our future child
And you were what? The giver of my future smiles?
Crying your tears at the thought of us apart
"I loves yous" from your heart
- or so I thought....
Summertime confessions:
I was the inspiration to your verses...
I was the inspiration to this version...
of you.

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Every time it came to me
Pictures of us smiling and laughing
Long nights of bedroom/hotel/on-top-of-cars romancing
Holding hands on long drives or short ones
Kissing like it was the best way to express love
Touching like that was the purpose of touch
Electricity flowing through skin; igniting something within

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Especially when it came to me
Trips across the country, no need for me to take my wallet
Everything I wanted or needed, you got it.
Declarations of emotions boiling over into screams
Into tears, into passion, into you inside of me.
Soft whispers and adamant protests against me taking my heart away
Soft whispers and adamant demands that with you I stay
Soft whispers and adamant affirmations of your fidelity
Soft whispers and adamant reflections inside a fantasy

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Only when it came to me
Conversations about you wishing the biology of your daughter matched mine
Wishing I carried your lineage; that I was connected to your blood line
What a beautiful thought to share with someone you love
What a rarity in men to find someone so uncorrupt.

Musta been some kind of dream you were having
Walking around outside your reality
Guess that's why you came to me
And my truth is nothing but your illusion
My love cradled precariously inside a delusion
She'll never know the truth of you and I
She'll never know the truth of your lie.
Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is mean..
And life is but a dream.